becoming a mother.

sigh. it's about to get somewhat deep here. i decided if i have time to change my blog layout around then i probably have time to write a few thoughts down.

it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. becoming a mother. don't get me wrong, i knew it was going to be incredibly hard. i believed everyone. i didn't go into this with some naive attitude. it's why sean and i didn't immediately jump on the baby band wagon when we first got married. we had a plan and we wanted to make sure that financially we were ready to have children. we started a separate savings account to pay for a baby when the time came. we got sean through school, we paid off all car loans, credit card debts, student loans, and any other debts besides our home. we paid down our mortgage and got our interest rate as low as possible so that we could make it as easy as possible to live off of one income. we were ready. at least financially. we still knew that it was going to be hard. we knew there would be lots of sleepless nights. we knew there would be puke, and poop, and pee, and fits, and all that crap people like to remind you of when you are sick of being pregnant.

so anyway,  i finally got pregnant after what seemed like a long time of trying. and i didn't love being pregnant. i just wanted ben to come because i wanted to feel like myself again. little did i know that when he came, i would never feel like myself again. the night ben was born was the most painful, but beautiful night of my life. and i realize now that was the last night that i felt like i knew who i was. or so i thought.

life with ben has not been easy. i will not lie. i don't know if something is wrong with me, but i can honestly say that i have not enjoyed every minute of it. and then admitting that has made me feel incredibly guilty. i know how lucky i am to be a mother. i love ben so incredibly much that it hurts my bones. but it has been the hardest thing that i have ever done. i have been through some pretty awful things. things that i thought i would never ever come out on top of. things that i have not even talked about before to my closest friends and family before. but this by far has been the hardest.

i don't know who i am anymore. it's an interesting feeling. because to be honest, i didn't think that i knew who i was before this. i don't know if i will ever know who i am. but my son ben has taught me so much in his short 5 months here. he has struggled with quite a few things in his life so far. it hasn't been easy for any of us. those moments of snuggles and smiles and kisses and all that jazz that all these people rave about have been very rare for us. but when they do happen? i start to feel like i know who i am. i start to feel like me again. i have never been more sad and more happy in my entire life.

i realize now why i don't know who i am anymore. the day ben was born i gave my entire heart to him and sean. my little family. which brought on lots of anxiety. and lots of worry. lots of tears. way too many tears. i didn't realize how selfish i was before having him. and not that i am some perfect person now. because if anything, becoming a mother to ben has made me lose any self confidence that i had before. i have never felt like more of a failure in my entire life. i know it is sad to admit that. but hear me out.

i was trying to explain this to sean the other night. i went from working full time since i was 16 years old to this. i used to get validation by getting that paycheck every two weeks. it's what got me through the days in a sense. i used to get satisfaction in hearing from a boss, "what a job well done!" now i don't get to clock out and go home for the weekend. i don't get to collect that paycheck at the end of the week. i don't get that pat on the back from my boss (ben) telling me that i am doing a good job.

instead i am left in tears because my son projectile pukes on me over 60 times a day on a good day. he kicks his legs and scratches me and screams in fits because he is hurting inside and i can't fix it. i can't clock out at the end of the day and go home and forget the bad days. i don't get that bonus at the end of the month for working my ass off.

i am stuck here trying to help my son in anyway possible. i have done research upon research. i have gone to doctors upon doctors. i am determined to somehow get that pat on the back from my son when he finally realizes that i have done a good job. i can't give up.

but then i remember that was the old me. the selfish me. i don't need that to feel good about myself. i am not missing anything like i thought i was. i have everything i ever wanted. i am so blessed beyond measure. i have complained way too much about how hard this has been. when deep down i know it could have been harder.

at first i was angry with god. why did he send me such a challenging baby? he had to have known that i couldn't handle it. but deep down i know he wouldn't send me something i couldn't handle. ben is not a challenge. he is a gift and a lesson that was sent to me. sent to me to teach me how to give more than just my heart to him. he already has that. and maybe that is why it hurts so much.

i now understand why it hurt my parents so much to see me sad. i didn't understand that before, even if i thought i did. ben is only 5 months old and i am terrified for the rest of our lives. how am i going to handle the harder stuff?

but then i have to stop. i have to think about all the incredible, amazing things that are going to happen. like watching ben take his first steps. seeing him ride a bike for the first time. watching him hit his first baseball and go to his first school dance. and that kind of stuff hurts my heart. in the good way. in the way that makes this all worth it.

i know these days of puking and crying will pass. people like to remind me of that, and i already know it. what people don't often know is that i have and am struggling with finding myself again. it's not always about how hard ben is. it's those hormones, and the post partum depression. if there is anything i have learned from becoming a mother, it's that every baby, mom, and situation is different. and i can't compare mine to others. some people could handle a situation like this better than me. i already know that. some people get easy, calm babies that sleep through the night the day they are born. some people get babies that never cry unless they are hungry. i struggle to get my baby to eat period. and it frustrates me. and i get down on myself a lot about it. i am afraid to let people watch my baby. not because i am afraid to be away from him for one second. it's because i am afraid for some stupid reason that they will see how upset he is and it will reflect poorly on me as a mother. and i know that is ridiculous. who is putting these thoughts into my head?

a lot of times i just have to tell people i am doing great and it was a good day. when the truth is i cried on the floor for while holding onto my dog for an hour while ben was napping. but really, for the most part, most people know this hasn't been easy for me.

but i wouldn't change it for anything. as hard as it has been, and for how hard i know it is still going to be? it is still the most amazing thing that has happened to me. i know i will get through this and become stronger. so many people have helped me get through this. and i know i am not alone even though i feel it often. i love my little family so much. my husband is my best friend. i love him more than he will ever understand. we are different, and we do argue sometimes. but somehow we work. and we have worked hard to have the kind of marriage that we have. and it still needs work some days but the great thing about that is we are still learning so much from each other everyday. i love my sweet dog moses. he has helped save me and helped me heal in so many ways. and my son is so special. he was sent to me for a reason. he already has my heart. and that is why it hurts. it hurts in a good way. i just didn't understand what that meant until he came.

so yes. i complain. yes, this has been hard. yes, this has been no secret to anyone. i don't know who i am anymore, yes. that is true. but i am not sure if i liked who i was before this anyway. my son has given me a chance to change that. it's almost like the day he was born, i was given a second chance. this whole time i have been living in fear of letting him down. because i haven't gotten that validation from him that i am doing a good job. but i think that is part of this whole journey. learning to accept those things that we can't control. to stop looking for that validation that a 5 month old isn't capable of giving. i am learning to accept that. ben just needs me to love him. and i can promise you i will never let him down on that.
 

journal entry from 9/11/2001

sean and i have been watching 9/11 documentaries all weekend. in fact i am watching one right now called "102 minutes that changed america". it is so hard to watch. it consists of live video and audio taken from that day. i remember that day so vividly. yet when i pulled out my journal i realized that i had forgotten some of the facts or at least what we thought were initial facts. so i thought i would put that journal entry on here. i was in 10th grade, 15 years old at the time and was scared and emotional so please forgive my terrible grammar and also incorrect information since we weren't quite sure yet of what was going on.

image found here

september 11, 2001

today is a day that i will never forget.  this day will go down in history. in fact i was sitting in my history class when this happened and my teacher said that they would definitely be getting new history books the following year because history would forever be changed after that day. i never thought anything like this could happen to america. i thought we were so safe here.

some terrorists, they think possibly palastinians, hijacked 4 U.S. planes with a total of 266 passengers on board. they flew the first one into one of the towers of the world trade center in new york city. one of the biggest buildings in the world. the plane exploded in to the 110 story building. a while later, another one (bigger) crashed into the other tower right beside it. the world trade center was on fire and about 50,000 people were there. people were evacuating the buildings as fast as they could and meanwhile another plane crashed into the side of the pentagon :(. then all of the airplanes had to land in the U.S. all airports closed and we were put on high terror alert.

meanwhile another hijacked plane was on its way towards new york to crash there, ended up crashing in pittsburgh. everyone on board died. minutes later the 2nd tower that got hit at the world trade center collapsed. killing thousands of people and 200 firemen below. then the other one crumbled a little bit after that. then the pentagon section collapsed and another world trade center building collapsed too.

i was at school walking into my first period class, european history, when this all took place. we had a moment of silence and then we watched the news reports ALL day. we did nothing else. it is the only thing on t.v. my history teacher said that we should probably go home and right down our thoughts on this day and where we were. it is hard to concentrate on homework and other stuff with all of this going on. they say it could be the start of world war III. that's a scary thing to think about.

we are still not quite sure who did it, but in palestine they celebrated. they were so happy that americans got killed. i guess they think they will go to heaven if they kill americans and israelis. i guess america has been helping israel and they got mad so they did this. some country bombed afghanistan a couple of hours ago. we don't know who it was but there has been talk it was them bombing themselves to make them look innocent but we don't know for sure.

thousands of people have been killed. they still don't know how many. it has been a sad day. it has been hard on the whole U.S. since all airports shut down. it is going to be hard on the economy and costs billions of dollars. gas prices already went up. it's hard for everyone. i just want God to bless and comfort all the victims and their families, and everyone affected by this. i was this to be resolved without further conflict but i guess it is up to president Bush to ensure our safety and make a good choice to protect our country.

Chloe

anyway. i can't believe it has been 10 years. i can't even imagine what it would be like to be in new york on that day and be in the world trade center or to have loved ones killed. i will definitely keep them all in my thoughts today. i am so grateful for all the men and women out there who were serving our country at this time and for all those who decided to enlist after this event happened. including my brother in laws brother Matthew Wagstaff. he may have lost his life last year, but he will never be forgotten. neither will all of the other men and women who lost their lives serving and protecting our country.

i remember after this happened america really came together and i realized all of the silly things that didn't really matter anymore and started to realize what i had been taking for granted. and how quickly life can change. i need to be more grateful for what i have and soak in the good moments. because things can change in an instant. today i am remembering that. last night as i laid in bed with sean lightly snoring next to me and moses snoring under the bed.. i realized how lucky i was at that moment. to actually be in a bed. and next to the ones that i loved. and how on that day there were so many trapped in those buildings who wished that they could have just been home in bed that day. or have one last moment next to the ones they loved.

sometimes.

sometimes i just want to go here again.... 

....and never ever come back.

sometimes i really just don't like myself. 

and that is normal i suppose. 

but lately it seems more often than not. 

sometimes i feel like i am the only person in the world. 

people are there. and they see me. but they can't hear me. 

i can't make anyone understand what i'm feeling.

sometimes i let it get the best of me. i let it ruin my day.

i let it ruin my whole week. and sometimes my whole month.

sometimes i feel like i am in a movie. and everyone is acting.

why do we all seem to think that everyone elses "movie" is better than our own?

 and then..

 sometimes i forget that i am married to the most 

incredible man in the entire world.

and then i feel selfish for ever feeling the way that i do.

i am incredibly blessed. and i need to remember that.

here's hoping 2011 is better..

and that i can be more grateful for the blessings in my life.

i don't expect anyone to get what i am talking about. 

and that is fine. i am learning that i need to be fine with that.

just some thoughts... and bambi.

so last night sean and i were talking about life and how crazy this year has been. how we keep thinking it will slow down and it never seems to. neither of us have been in the best of moods lately. not sure why, but he has been super stressed with school, work, and getting our yard ready so we can put grass in before winter. i have been stressed with work and sometimes all i want to do is just come home and take a nap but i have to entertain moses. i know that sounds silly of me, but he is in such a needy, whiny phase right now. i don't blame him. he sits home alone all day. he just wants some attention and i find myself getting short with him. i don't like being like this. i don't like letting work and other things affect my attitude so much. i love my job. don't get me wrong. but sometimes the work just ever seems to end. i am grateful though. when i am busier? i get paid more. so it is worth it. it's just exhausting some days. sean and i have yet to hang up anything in our new house. we haven't painted a thing, or put a hole in any walls. sometimes i just want to stop and enjoy the moment.

i was reading a post by my dear friend emily today, and was reminded that i do need to just stop and live in the moment. she is going through the invitro process to try and have her 2nd baby and she just found out she is pregnant! i am so happy for her and so excited for her little family. i can't even imagine what it would be like to go through that. as i was reading her post, i was reminded of something she said a couple of years ago when she was pregnant with her first child. she just wanted to enjoy every part of being pregnant. even the bad stuff, she was grateful for. because what a blessing it was to even be pregnant. her saying that always stuck with me. i thought it was so cool that she said that. i love her attitude and outlook on life, and i want to live each day like that. even the bad days. because even the bad days are days where i have a house, a job, a wonderful husband, and an amazing family. it's easy to let the stress and craziness of the world make us think that we aren't good enough. or that our lives aren't good enough. but i don't want to live like that anymore. anyway, as we were talking, sean told me that i seemed happier when i blogged more. so i am going to try to do that. i just need to get out some thoughts..

i have been feeling pretty down on myself lately. i know we all get that way. but i have let a few things from my past, and some other things really get me down lately. some recent events have come my way and i have chosen to be down about it. but i know that won't change anything. i just have to suck it up, and be a big girl. because at the end of the day.. i know deep down that in the end... none of that stuff will matter anymore.. and justice will be served where justice is due. i know i am being very vague.. so i am sorry about that. but i just needed to get some thoughts out. i also feel that i have gotten the wrong reputation at work..and it has been tough on me. i don't like being the girl with an attitude. i guess i have been stepped on so much in my past, that i have tried so hard to just stand up for myself, and i am afraid it has shed a negative light on me. i don't like when people don't like me. who does like that though? let's just say i am working really hard to just try and be a positive, happy person. i miss my old self, and i am tired of letting my past creep back into my life and anger me. i don't want to be an angry person. so right now my real focus is to try and let go of all of that.

anyway.. i didn't mean to bore anyone or be a debbie downer in this post.. but those are just some thoughts i have had recently. so how about i talk about what is good that is going on in our lives right now eh? well first off, we are getting grass this weekend! sean and his dad have been working so hard on getting our yard ready for grass. it has been quite the process, and has taken up several weekends.. but i am happy to say their hard work has paid off, and i may have helped a little bit in the process. i know..shocking eh? it will be so nice to have grass because right now it is just dirt out side, and Mosey tracks it in and it just seems like we can't keep the place clean.

in other news? well sean sets a goal every year to try something new or get a new hobby. last year was golf, and this year he wanted to go on the deer hunt. so he bought a gun, got his hunter's safety, and then this last weekend he went out with some buddies and he got a deer! a four point or something? not really sure what that means. he invited me to go, but to be honest i would rather sit on the couch in my PJ's then trek outside up a mountain in the snow looking for bambi to shoot. by the way sean thought bambi was a girl. it was pretty funny and my whole family was making fun of him including me. but the truth is i kind of thought bambi was a girl too. don't tell anyone i said that. what boy deer is named bambi? i am sorry but that is a stripper name, and most strippers are girls. and if your name is bambi, i am not judging because it's a beautiful name regardless of your occupation. and if you have that occupation? totally fine by me! i don't judge. i just don't really think it is a male name. that is all. maybe disney didn't really think that one through?

anyway, i will shut up, but here are some pictures of sean and his deer!

look how cute he is! i am talking about the deer. but sean is pretty cute too.. ;)

anyway, that is all that is new with us! i am happy to be alive. and i just want sean to know that i love him so much. i know he doesn't read this thing all the time. but sean? thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being my better half. thanks for making me want to be better. you were sent to me for a reason. and i will forever be grateful for that. you are the best thing about my life. never forget that.

i am okay.

i have been kind of a negative nelly lately. maybe not publicly or anything. but in my own head. i work in the mortgage industry and it's really hard not to think about buying a home every second of every day. i can't stop thinking about money and how i feel like i am wasting money renting. i added up the money we have spent on rent since we have been married and i wanted to throw up. sean and i have looked at a few houses. nothing that we love. we go back and forth on if we want to buy a home or keep renting. are we ready to make that big of a commitment? then we decide no, and we will keep renting until sean finishes school. but then i see these kids  younger than me coming in and buying a home and somehow have $50,000 in savings and don't have a job and their parents are co-signing with them and gifting them money and i can't comprehend it.

it's so hard not to compare. it has become an obsession for me. and it is unhealthy. and it is making me unhappy comparing myself to other people. i love the independence of not needing help from my parents. even though i know they would help us in a heartbeat if we needed it . i just keep getting upset at a lot of things that i shouldn't get upset about. i get jealous when i hear of people getting financial aid to go to school when sean and i can't qualify for any of that. because according to the government we make just barely too much and i kid you not we do not make a lot of money. it's like i would have to quit my job for us to be given free money. it seems wrong to me. more than anything i am upset that i let all of this affect my attitude. why am i being a jealous person? i know it is human nature to be jealous. but i hate being jealous. i am trying really hard not to compare myself to others. i decided that i just need to compare how i am now, to how i am at my best. i know it's easier said than done. but i am going to  do it.

i am okay with not having a lot of money. we are incredibly blessed. i mean we do have savings, and considering the economy i feel really good about having something saved. i don't know if i would say that we are poor, but i could be better with my money. i am more than okay with not getting help from my parents. i am okay with buying western family brand foods over the more popular labels. i am okay with eating cereal for dinner because it's cheaper than anything else. i am okay with keeping my clothes in my broken bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. yes. we use my white girly bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. i am okay not having a headboard for our bed.

i am okay using shower curtains for closet doors. i don't mind that sean can break into our house with a credit card. okay maybe i am not fine with that. but it's okay. we have renters insurance. i am fine with using suave products on my hair. even though the lady at the mall told me i was INSANE for doing that. i felt stupid and bought $20 shampoo and conditioner. and guess what? i haven't noticed a difference and it only lasted me like a week. p.s. who makes a smaller conditioner bottle than shampoo bottle??? doesn't everyone use more conditioner than shampoo??

i am fine buying cheap purses. i regret buying my expensive purse. no i really do. it is cursed. it has been nothing but a nightmare. i baby the purse to death. i never put it on the ground. and every time that i wear it my jeans stain the purse blue. so i put a "diaper" on it. true story. i paper clipped a paper towel to the back of it so that my jeans would stop rubbing off on them.



and then i took it to eclipse last night. i even put the purse in a separate cloth bag. you know those "green" bags? so it was double bagged(haha). and some dude talked me into buying a stupid twilight cup. but it had jacob on it without a shirt so i felt better about that. and since i paid a $1 more for it i decided i would take it home and give it to sean. well after the movie got out i had to go to the bathroom. i didn't want to throw away the cup. i had about half of the drink still in it, but i was able to set it in the bag with my purse and hang it up while i peed. well i went to wash my hands... and the cup tipped over. and spilled all over my entire purse and camera. it soaked through the purse "diaper". moral of the story? i am fine with a cheap crappy purse that i don't have to baby. and i am also fine with a regular "cheap" $4 cup without a half naked dude on it versus the $5 one. i came home and gave the cup to my dog anyway. and my dog cried all night. and i am fine with that too. because he just wanted someone to rub his belly.

anyway. i am fine with my life. no scratch that. i am more than fine with my life. it might not be perfect. in fact it is far from it. but it's mine. and i am lucky to have what i have. i'll take the crying whiny dog, and the earwig infested rented house, and the broken bedroom furniture and the diaper purse. as long as it means i get to be with sean. i'll take anything that comes with that. the colon problems and all. all the money in the world couldn't make me any happier than sean makes me. i don't care if it's cheesy. i am fine with cheesy... sometimes. and do me a favor? don't compare yourself to anyone but yourself at your best. it is so easy with blogging and social networking to compare ourselves with everyone else but it is not worth it. no ones life is perfect even if they try to make it appear that way.



okay i am done ranting. i haven't been in the blog mood much anymore. not sure if it has lost its luster for me or what.. i hardly get on the internet except to post real quick and check my email. so i am sorry i hardly comment on anyone's blogs anymore. i love you all though and am grateful for all the comments and support we receive. you guys are all awesome. i will try to be a better bloggy friend soon.

moses ate my camera charger.

just kidding, i can't prove that. well not today. he is getting his poop tested tomorrow for worms or something, so maybe we will find out more tomorrow. maybe they will find some camera charger particles in there or something. but really, i have lost my camera charger. i am very sad about it. i can't find it anywhere and i am starting to suspsect that mosey might have eaten it. i mean he freaking eats rocks, sticks, food wrappers, and tape. not because we allow him, but because by the time we notice something is in his mouth, we hear a "gulp" and it is too late. he must have the digestive system of a champ, so that is why i would not be surprised if he ate my charger. i guess i will just have to stick with my phone for now. i have seen him eyeing it though, so if he eats that we might have problems. my phone doesn't provide the best images but oh well.

mosey is getting so big. i know i keep saying it but it is as if he grows right before our eyes. but he still wants to be little. yet he also thinks he is the biggest baddest dog in all the land. he still lets me hold him on my chest like a baby. and he lays his head on my shoulder. then he will lick my face and just chill there. he doesn't squirm or try to get down. i mean sometimes he does, but not too often. i just love him. he aslo just loves sitting in our laps. but not like laying. he wants to actually sit like a human, on our laps, and watch tv. it is awesome. we sure love the little guy. i think i am just trying to hold on to his "puppiness" because pretty soon i will not be able to hold him. i am already struggling trying to hold him. yeah, i am a wimp. that is nothing new.

i have blogged before about my stupid joints, and right now i am having issues. certain knuckles swell up and right now my pointer finger in my right hand is bothering me. (see the last picture with the arrow and the lump on my finger) so is the middle finger on that hand. and my ring finger on my left hand. awesome eh? i love when my wedding ring won't fit. even after resizing it. it's my favorite. also my right knee is acting up. i feel like i am getting old. i wish i could figure out what is wrong with me. i am not trying to get sympathy or anything. it's just that i never realized how much i miss being able to open a bottle of water without it hurting. i guess i took all those little things for granted. someday i will get to the bottom of this! and trust me, i have been tested for a lot of things.. i know my friend juli is going to say i need to go to a rheumatologist.. and don't worry! our insurance at work is changing next week, and then i will make an appointment :)

anyway, on to other things. sean is the perfect housewife. tonight he made tinfoil dinners. they were delicious. then i made a cookie ice cream sundae creation. it was a good night. sorry if the blog has been boring lately. actually no, i shouldn't apologize for that. i guess i just haven't had a whole lot to say lately! i have been a horrible commenter as well. and i am sorry for that. it hurts to type, and yet i still do it. nothing incredibly entertaining has really happened lately.. no funny stories. i keep telling sean he better do something funny or i am going to have to divorce him but he won't take me seriously. ;) i think in general i just haven't had a whole lot to say lately. i feel like my thoughts and opinions go unheard sometimes. i know sean feels the same. then we just don't really know what to say anymore. and this has nothing to do with our marriage or each other. we are just fine and dandy. and this has nothing to do with the blog either. do you ever sometimes just feel invisible? or that people see you, but they don't hear you? i don't even know if that makes any sense. i don't even know how to explain myself... so i think i will end this post right here.

i need help.

i have a problem. i really do. today i sort of accidentally bought the most expensive purse that i have ever bought. all of the purses i have are pretty cheap. you know, target kind or whatever. i love target. don't get me wrong. but today i felt like a big girl and actually spent too much money on a purse. to be honest i am not quite sure what i was thinking. i had one of those days. i was stressed. i went to the mall on my lunch break. i had been wanting a new purse for a while because my last one permanently smells like campfire smoke. and i looked, and didn't find anything. and i ended up buying some hair product that i probably spent way too much on. i am a sucker when people say "you need this girl! trust me!" okay. sold. that is not a good trait. but oh well.

i was walking out of nordstrom. somewhat sad. then i saw the sale rack. and this purse. and i couldn't stop staring at it. and it was way more than i ever wanted it to be. i have been wanting this color of a purse for a long time. one that didn't look too shiny and plastic. and the room got silent, and the world started spinning. and i knew this was the purse for me. sean says that is what happened when he realized he loved me. you can read his story about that here. anyway, i looked at the discounted price. and it was still a lot. and then the sales lady came over and said "can i help you?" and i said "yes. can you take this purse away from me before i buy it because if you don't it will be the most expensive purse that i have ever bought." and she said "oh i just love that purse." and then this other random lady was like "ohhhh... you can never spend too much on a purse that you love. when you find the right one. you just know."

i guess i have never found the right one. until now. and just like that i was sold. so then i bought it and cried a little and then called sean and told him not to kill me. but that i had to have it because it was the cutest thing ever and the inside was so adorable and it had all these cool pockets and it was totally on sale and i got such a good deal on it and i totally made it sound like the purse was like a million dollars so when he guessed a price and i said it was less... he was happy. so that is they key folks. it worked. and he was relieved that it was a million dollars. and there you have it. my newest purchase that i promise you i probably shouldn't have bought but don't even care. it's like when i bought mosey. totally impulsive. but one of the best decisions that i ever made. and of course i didn't ask sean before i bought it. but he loves it, and it's our purse. because he always makes me hold his stuff. so really its like double the bang for the buck. does that phrase make sense? oh well. i did it. and i will probably never buy another purse for a million years. good thing mustard yellow never goes out of style...oh...wait...



it is my baby. because it was practically the same price as a baby. and for the record? i do not make a lot of money. i am just crazy. oh well. the purse is a brand called "the sak". never heard of it. but i love it. and i have never ever bought anything at nordstrom except tights and chais and cookies.. i guess there is a first time for everything right? oh and in honor of my new purse i had to change the colors on the blog. it just seemed appropriate. please make me feel better and tell me that i am not the only one who has done something like this??? oh dear, why am i blogging about a purse?

soul mates.

my dog is a dog after my own heart. he is my soul mate. i mean besides sean. i think. ;) i mean he will sit and watch the hills with me. he goes to the door when he needs to go out. he gives us the look of shame when he goes to the bathroom. i love it. love it. he loves sleeping, and he hates when people put him in laundry hampers. just like me! he likes eating, and laying in my bed. is it a coincidence that we both like doing that? i think not. today i brought home some photo prints that my sister had for me back when she re-did my bridals. i let mosey look at the pictures and he tried to lick them. i totally took that as a compliment. 

mosey is like sean though in the fact that they LOVE mornings. and they fall asleep quick at night. meh. not my cup of tea but whatever. i love these guys. sean and i went out of town this weekend and i am so sad that i could not find my camera charger anywhere. actually i still can't find it and have looked everywhere but am trying to pretend that i haven't so that i don't get too upset about it. anyway, we sent to st. george with some awesome friends from work. okay it was sean's boss and his wife and some other bankers but they were so awesome and we consider them friends. not work people. co-people if you will. we went horseback riding, and ate A LOT. we went hiking which i totally try to pretend that i am really good at and love, but have learned to accept the fact that i probably would just rather sit in a nice air conditioned basement with a diet dr.pepper and a movie. i will say it. i would probably rather literally hear myself get fat by the minute. than be active. and that is sad but whatever. i'll work on it someday i guess. but probably not.

i can't help it though. i just get so depressed when i see how much tanner and energetic sean is than i and it just takes all the fun out of it. ya know what i am saying? why even try to be active and tan? there is no point. someone will always be more of it. like your husband. and that sucks. but i guess is cool cuz at least i married the guy who is all active and responsible and tan and show-offy. as for him? he for sure got the short end of the stick. at least i am the smart one. 

i love my bread, and i love my butter. but most of all? (name what show/book that line is from) 

i love....

my sean and my dog because they are awesome. and mosey can't tan so at least i have that on him.   oh and i think i still love sean even when he lets me know that a bug crawled down my shirt. after he watches it happen. like i mean the thing was actually crawling all over my boobs. all over. and he tells me after all casually just like he would tell me that i look pretty. "work was good, oh and a bug just crawled down your shirt." i freaked out and he said, "would it make you feel better if i told you that i was jealous of the bug?" thanks sean. i think i still love you even when you do that. 

it's the little things, right?

this is one of my favorite pictures of sean and i. it was taken back when we were dating. sean doesn't normally wear scarves. that scarf would be mine. but then again sean doesn't normally wear purses but he sometimes likes to wear mine as well? and moo moos. i am starting to sense a pattern here. should i be concerned? oh well, anyway we were bowling with a bunch of friends and i was doing terribly. we were on the 10th frame. in order for me to beat sean by one point, i had to bowl three strikes. or a turkey if you will. guess what? i did it. i honestly think that it was my proudest moment.

one of my more stupid moments was maybe today at lunch when i ran out to the car and it took me 30 seconds to realize that i was not in the drivers seat. i was in the passengers. and i felt like an idiot. because it took me that long to realize what was wrong with the picture. i felt stupid because there were people outside watching me. so what did i do? i crawled into the drivers seat and drove away quickly. oh well. it was kind of cool. that has honestly never happened to me before.

the other night we were lying in bed and i asked sean if he wanted to hear 5 awesome things. and only cool people would get to hear those things and maybe do something about them. i said the first was to bring me a glass of ice water. then, to go let mosey out before bed. then to lock all the doors. then for him to bring me my toothbrush with toothpaste on it. then i couldn't think of anything else. and i was mostly joking, but i did get a glass of ice water out of it and he let mosey out and locked all of the doors, so i guess it kind of worked? i am not usually that demanding, but i think it's partly his fault because he actually did most of the things that i asked. for me? proud moment. but wait, he didn't bring me my toothbrush with toothpaste on it. so maybe i don't know how i feel about that moment. because then i didn't end up brushing my teeth. i think that is his fault though.

i think i was kind of just feeling jealous because lately he keeps grabbing my arm and making me roll up my sleeve just to compare our skin color. like seriously? is he racist or something? jk. but i mean seriously, i get that you are really really really tan sean. and i get that i look like a vampire right now. but still. i told him i think it was just the lighting in the car, and he wasn't actually that tan. also, he had a white shirt on. so that helps. so we decided to see how that portrayed on camera. i dunno, i mean it's not that much of a difference, is it? i just really don't want to have any other freckles cut out of my hand k? maybe if i can get more freckles, they will all blend together and i will actually appear tan... hmm. maybe i will work on that.  it is hard though because he likes to put my arms in between both of his and call it an oreo. how rude. but then that just makes me want an oreo so it usually makes me happy. so i guess i can see the good in that.

i have odd goals. a few weeks ago at work, i overheard a girl that i work with telling her friend that i was the girl who owed the little boy who sells pop and candy at our office like fifty bucks. it's like i was a hero or legend or something. anyway, he is saving money for his mission, and he is only like 12, but at the rate that he is making money off me, he might have that mission paid for by the time he is 15. the problem is that we don't always pay cash when we take things. there is a little I.O.U. chart on the fridge that has some quote about what the definition of honesty is and blah blah blah, i don't know what it says i always ignore it, but anyway, i had quite a few marks on there a few weeks ago. he left a note on the fridge saying he was going to collect actual cash that friday, so i just gave him my paycheck and we called it good. but then he put a new chart up. and the other day i noticed that i was kind of in competition with another guy for the most tally's on the chart. the other day i passed him. i was proud. it's the little things right?

oh, i have to tell you guys about this cool sale. so sean's cousins have this business called the orchid. they sell all natural body products. seriously, this stuff is so awesome. my favorite item is the boyfriend body cream. it smells so good. it sort of has this masculine scent to it. not like old spice or anything, but it really smells like how a boys clean smelling skin smells. wait, that sounds weird. sigh. i don't know. it still smells really feminine too. ughh, this post is getting awkward. you might just have to try it, but i am obsessed with it. anyway, they are revamping their whole entire store right now, so everything in the whole store is 40% off right now if you use the code "facebook". check it out here. they also have a solid shampoo bars, and lots of really neat salt scrubs and bath bubblers. everything is made from natural products. now i won't lie, i am not like an all natural type promoting person, not because i don't want to be. just because i am lazy and have never really thought about it before. but i do have really sensitive, white-vampirish skin, and this stuff never irritates my skin. so i bought like a million jars of it. love it. the end.

p.s. this post is TOTALLY random. WTF? sorry. i'm in a rambling mood tonight. and i changed my layout back to the old one. sorry for all the back and forthness. ugh. i am so indecisive. and i am pretty sure i made up like ten words in the post.

sean said i shouldn't post this.

{so i hesitated posting this post after i read it to sean. he said i sounded very angry in it, and that was not my intention. then i almost didn't post it. but then i realized that the whole post was about posting/not posting about certain topics, and how we shouldn't let others stop us from saying what we want to say. but then i remembered that sean is my husband, and i do care about what he says. so then i decided i would preface this post by saying that i love sean very much and think that he is the greatest man in the whole wide world and will buy him some ice cream this week. and i will even take mosey out to go to the bathroom every night this week.... with that being said, here is my post that i promise is not intentionally directed toward anyone and that i am not trying to sound angry in.....}

i don't know why but i have been thinking a lot about blogging lately. why we blog and all that jazz. actually these thoughts have been accumulating since the day i first started blogging. it just seems like it starts out as something fun to do, and then it turns into this place where you can put all of your thoughts and feelings. you catch up with old friends, and even start to make new ones. slowly you start to watch what you say, but still try to stick close to what you want to say. but then it changes after you receive a mean comment or twenty. and it changes after you take certain comments out of context. it changes after someone asks if they can be a sponsor on your blog. it changes after you run into someone and they make a comment about something that you said on your blog. it changes after someone says, "oh are you going to go and put this on your blog now?"

i know that blogs change over time. because our lives do. and that is only natural right? it is the way that it should be. our layouts will change, our readers will change, and sometimes even the main point of our blogs will change. and that is fine. there is nothing wrong with that. that is the beauty of blogging. it can be whatever you want it to be. if i want to put pictures of sean in i in our header in clothes that we would NEVER wear in real life. so be it. does that make me fake? meh. i don't really care. i am the laziest person in this world and that will probably be the most dressed up that i will ever look. if next week i want to change my header to be a picture of me in my pajamas, eating rice krispy treats straight out of the bowl? so be it. that would be freaking awesome.

some weeks i want to blog about mosey, and other weeks i want to blog about sean. other days i will host a giveaway for someone that i am close to, no strings attached. they are the things that matter to me. the things that i am constantly thinking about. the things that i want to look back and read in twenty years. they are the things that i want my kids to read about someday. sure, they will probably be embarrassed by my herpes story, and about the time i clogged the toilet and blamed it on sean and then threw him under the bus at the grocery store. they might be embarrassed about the time i tried to pee in a cup on the way to the airport in the freeway in the middle of a snowstorm on valentines day and spilled the cup all over my lap. and then had to sit it my own urine for the rest of the night because they shut the freeway down and i couldn't get home. yeah, they might get embarrassed about that. they might think i am crazy when they find out that the dog they have learned to love was impulsively bought by their mother outside of a wal-mart with out dad's permission. and gasp! what's this? he is not papered? but guess what? i don't really care. i would have paid double for this dog even if he was missing a leg. so there.

so yeah, the topic of my posts change all the time. and i am crazy. i have never been afraid to admit that on here. i don't blog for anyone else but me. that doesn't mean that i don't respect and love the people who read this blog. i have met a lot of amazing people through this blog and reading many other blogs out there. i hope this hasn't come off mean or offensive. i just want you all to know that this is my space where i can and should be able to post about whatever i want to post about. i am not sorry if it offends you. i am not sorry if some of the things i say you can't imagine ever saying in public. i am not sorry if i make sexual innuendos a little too often, and i am not sorry if me admitting that i don't shower everyday and that i don't cook a meal for my "hubby" every night offends you. i am not sorry that i change my layout a lot, and i am not sorry that i whine sometimes when i have a bad day. i am sorry, but i am just not sorry. that is who i am. and i refuse to change. i have never forced anyone to read this blog. except maybe sean. but that is it. i love you all, and just needed to get this off of my chest.

*also, i decided to disable comments on this post. i was getting quite a few and am so grateful for them. i just didn't want anyone to think i posted this to get sympathy. i didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea. this post was not sparked by one specific comment or event. it is just an accumlation over time of my feelings and i felt that i needed to get it out. i just wanted anyone who reads this blog to know that this is how i post and it's how it's going to be. i read all of your comments though and appreciate them all so much. you guys are all awesome. seriously. if i could buy you all a puppy as cute as moses and make you all a pan of rice krispy treats with chocolate drizzled all over them i would.*

are you wearing glasses?

i got new glasses and contacts this weekend. i am still trying to get used to them. it's kind of funny how a silly thing such as getting new contacts and glasses can get me to think too deeply about my life. i know. it's weird. but the last time i went to the eye doctor was a year ago. i remember when i first got glasses. i was in 8th grade. i had no idea that i didn't have perfect vision. i remember sitting in math class and not being able to see the board very clearly. i noticed that i started squinting a lot, and that i preferred sitting on the front row. which was odd, because i hated being on the front row. i hated standing out. i hated being picked on to answer questions. 

anyway, i remember finally getting my first pair of glasses. i remember walking outside with them on and being completely shocked. i had no idea that i could actually see this well. i forgot what things were supposed to look like. i forgot that there were trees on the mountains. i forgot how green leaves were. i forgot how incredible clouds can look when you can actually see them. i also forgot how dirty the streets could look. and how much i hated math when i could actually see the problems on the board. maybe back then i didn't realize much about perspective. but looking back i feel like i have learned a lot. 

at my latest eye appointment, i had learned that my eyes had gotten significantly worse than the appointment i had last february. in a way it scared me. i am tired of my eyes getting worse. aren't they supposed to just stabilize now? no? not until i am in my 30's? oh great, but after that i will have to worry about not being able to read a book. so when does it get better? i was a little frustrated. i hate not having control over something. especially in my own body. my twin sister has 20/20 vision. sean has perfect vision as well. my eyes are worse than both my parents. 

but then i put my new contacts in. and i had that familiar feeling come back. i had forgotten how good i could see. i forgot what things were really supposed to look like. i was able to order some new frames, new contacts, and now i can actually read the street signs and the previews at the movie. it has been nice having that back. my eyes no longer hurt from straining them to see. straining that i wasn't even aware that i was doing.

i am not trying to make a story about eyes sound dramatic. because it is really not a big deal. my eyes could always be worse. they really could be. i am not legally blind, and i actually have eyes. i really need to be grateful. i guess the point of my story is that sometimes we forget how good life really can be. and yes, sometimes we forget how lame it can be, or that we are being lame, or that people who make us feel like crap are lame, or that we deserve better. but for the most part, i think we forget how good it can be. 

lately i have been feeling a little unimpressed with myself. not that i am normally impressed with myself. ha. i mean you have read my blog. i am somewhat of a mess. but i just get angry thinking about how i spent $80 on make-up and hair stuff the other day. sean seemed flabbergasted when i told him the amount and then i started to freak out and think "oh my gosh i have problems. who spends $80 that they don't really have on hair stuff and make-up???" then i remembered that a lot of people do. no one is perfect. we all do that every once in a while. at least i didn't spend $80 on drugs right? and if that is your cup of tea? i am not judgin'. i love everyone. i'm just saying i spent $80 on stupid petty stuff. and i am not going to regret it. it made me feel better. so there. it was not stupid to me.

anyway, it made me think of this stupid little letter i wrote to myself and to my senior class during the last week of high school. my english teacher wanted us to each write a letter and she would put them all in a book to give to the new seniors at the beginning of next year. i had completely lost the letter. but a good friend of mine emailed it to me several years ago when i was having a rough time. i just re-read it and thought i would share it. she sent it to me without telling me what it was. then at the end she said, "you wrote this. you helped me through a tough time, and now i want you to read your own words that once lifted me up when i was down." i laughed as i was reading what i wrote. i thought i was so smart when i wrote it. reading it now, it feels somewhat childish, and my statements are generally obvious. but that is okay. i wrote it when i was 17 and when i thought i was old and mature. here it is..

So many different thoughts come to my mind when I try to think about what I
want to say. The funny things is that I can't even put them into words. It's
hard to believe that we will all be graduating next week. I have so many
random thoughts that are racing throught my head and there is a lot that I
want to say. It scares me to think that this is it. But deep down I know

that this is just the beginning.

I want to say some of the most important lessons that I have learned this
year. I learned that first of all you can't make people change. Second of
all I learned that people change whether you like it or not. It's kind of
funny how it's like that isn't it? It doesn't quite make sense does it? 

I also learned that life is not fair. You can give all that you have and never
get anything in return yet some people never give and always seem to get
everything.  One thing we need to remember though is that if we never take 

that risk and give, than we would never have room to receive.

Life isn't about being popular and having a boyfriend. It's not about nice
cars, cute clothes, and, lots of money. Life goes much deeper than that. It
goes far deeper than we will ever be able to understand. It's about taking
risks, learning lessons, getting hurt, hurting others, loving others no
matter what, making mistakes, bouncing back up after a hard fall, and
helping others bounce back after a hard fall. 

It's about unexpected phone calls and special notes to let people know you care.

It's about making people feel needed because believe it or not, the most important thing that people need in this life is to feel needed. It's about having a purpose. It's about knowing that someone's life wouldn't be that same without you in it.  

It's about knowing that someone is thinking about you.
Life is a journey, life is a lesson, life is a teacher, life is a test.

I have been hurt many times in my life, but I know that I have hurt many
people as well. I can't go back and change that, but I can learn from what
I have done. I have made many mistakes and watched many friends make
mistakes. I've watched them change, forget who they are, and sadly forget
what life is really about. But with out all the bad times I never would
have  realized what the good was. I wouldn't have learned that I can't
change people. All I can do is affect people by my actions and they can
choose where to go from there.

My example can not only teach others, but most importantly myself. I've
learned to see myself through others eyes. I've realized that I have grown
and I have seen who I want to become. I've realized that I have found
myself by being myslef. I've realized that I shouldn't have been trying to
change things all along, I should have been trying to change the way I see
things..

I've learned a lot this year, but the most important thing that I learned
was to give all that I have and not expect anything in return. That's how I
became stronger, that's how I found out who I really am, but most
importantly that's how I found out what I'm made of. 

Chloe

so yes. i wrote that when i was 17. it is not grammatically correct. but i still am never grammatically correct. and looking back, i would say that might not have been the moment that i realized what i was made of. i was only 17. i had been through a lot, but i had no idea what was to come. i would say re-reading that letter after my friend sent it to me was when i realized what i was made of. not completely, but it stuck with me, and i made some huge changes after that. i guess you could say i put my new glasses on. and i am trying to do that again. i am trying to change my outlook on life. i have forgotten how good that it can be. i have forgotten what i am capable of, and i have forgotten that i deserve to be better. not only for myself, but for my family, and for sean.

does this mean i am going to cook every night, and clean the house every day? ha, yeah right. no. that will probably never happen. i will probably still tell inappropriate jokes still, make a fool of myself and be totally awkward at times. but i am going to try to not be so hard on myself. i had forgotten how much that affects other people. being down and sad is not only hard on ourselves, but hard on the people who love us and who have to see us that way. it's not always easy to fix. it's easier said than done. but i promise if you read this blog, and you ever need anything, i am always here for you. and i promise that life is so much easier with glasses. whether you need them or not.

this probably made sense to no one but me. and that's okay. i don't really care. it's my blog, and my life, and i hope you all feel the same way about your own blogs or journals. don't write to please others. write to inspire yourself, and through that you will affect others.

if you stuck around until the end? thank you :) i know it was long and cheesy. oh well. i think i might just go take a walk now.... have a great night!

miracles.

first off, i want to thank sean for the sweet post below. i had no idea that he was going to post anything. it was honestly the greatest surprise that he could have given me. it was really sweet. i am so blessed and lucky, and even though sean and i tease each other A LOT. it is all in good fun. i love you sean! so much!

so it has been a pretty busy week. i have been a little emotional. on tuesday we received the news that one of my grandma's has cancer. the prognosis is not good. combined with the fact that this was very sudden and unexpected news, i was a bit taken back. in a way it was kind of a wake up call for me.

i guess i get comfortable with life. i often take things for granted, and forget that sometimes things can change in an instant. the other night, i was trying to go to sleep while sean was snoring next to me. i couldn't fall asleep and i couldn't turn my brain off.

i basically summed it all up to this. i am at the stage in my life where i don't know if i should hold on to my youth and try to hold on to the things in my past and the things that feel comfortable to me.. or should i take that step and grow up? walk out into the scary and unknown?

we hear so many conflicting things in this world.

"life is short."

"you have the rest of your lives for that."

"enjoy being young while you can."

"kids can come later."

"you need to finish school."

"don't you want to be a young mom though?"

"there is no going back."

"don't take the things you have or can have for granted."

what are we supposed to do?
this probably makes sense to no one but me.
but oh well.

no, i am not planning to have kids anytime soon. and i am not only referring to that. but i feel like i am stuck at a crossroads. i'm enjoying being selfish right now. i like only having to worry about sean and myself. but then i think, wait. life is short. things could change in an instant. should i be okay with how my life is right now? should we have kids soon rather than later, so we can spend as much time with them on this earth as possible? should we try and by a house? should i go back and finish school? i keep saying, "oh, i'll do that later. i have the rest of my life for that."

but i don't. things can be taken away in an instant. i was really touched by this family's blog. this woman lives in my hometown. she left her children in the tub and ran to grab something for just a split second and her life was completely turned around. her life changed in one instant. and through the power of prayer and kindness of strangers, miracles happened.

as quickly as life can change for the worse, it can be saved by a miracle. my attempts this year (since i don't make goals..haha) are to try and take less things for granted.  i have the best family, a great job, and the most amazing husband. i need to remember that. small miracles happen everyday. me getting out of bed every morning? a miracle. me making sean dinner? a miracle.

i urge you to read her story if you haven't. she is an incredible writer, and she tells this story from her pure and honest heart. in detail. i spent hours reading her blog. and was so happy with the way it ended.

all i know is this..

life is short. it's important to remember the past.

live in the moment. and look forward to the future. 

don't get stuck in one place.

you shouldn't waste your time spending it with those who bring you down.

spend it with those who make you want to be a better person.

spend it with those who will stay up way past their bedtime with you,

even if it is 10:00 and they want to go to bed.. 

just because they know you don't want to be alone.

spend it with someone who sends you 

pictures of baby elephants through out the day, 

because they know you love them.

spend it with someone who will clean the dirty bathroom for you..

 even pulling your hair out of the drain...

 because it frightens you. 

spend it with someone who will refrain from vacuuming 

on saturday morning because they know you like to sleep in.

and it makes you feel guilty while they are being productive

and you are sleeping.

spend it with someone who tries to give you the bigger piece of bread. 

even though you tried to give them the bigger one.

 and then you fight about it.

those are the kinds of things you should fight about.

i guess the rest will all work it self out in it's own time. 

at least that is what i keep telling myself...

i know i don't say it enough on here. but i am so grateful for everyone that reads this blog. whether you comment or not, i think you are all amazing. i never expected anyone to care about the life of sean and chloe. we are crazy. we are random. we can be a little bit annoying at times. but we love each other. and as cheesy as that is? it's all that really matters to me. i have been so overwhelmed (in a good way) with all of the sweet friends we have made through this blog. i am sorry if i don't always comment back. but i love reading all of your blogs. thanks for being you, and for letting us be who we are. there have been times after mean comments, that i just want to quit blogging. or fake how i am feeling. change some posts, or edit or take out things i want to say. but i won't. because i don't want to look back on our life and our little blog and have it be something that it wasn't. so thanks for letting us be us. we love you all!

sorry, i know this wasn't like our typical posts, but it hasn't been a typical week. we're just goin' with the flow :) 

p.s. it's almost friday! YESSS!!! does anyone have any fun plans?

fill in the blank friday.

{via}

First off. Isn't this puppy so cute! I am so happy it is friday.

I have no energy at all. It doesn't matter how much sleep

i get. It doesn't seem to make a difference.  I am hoping i

will somehow find some energy to make it through the rest

of the day. i wanted to also thank everyone for their

secrets! i think it is good for us to get those feelings out, and

to also help others to know that we are not always alone.

now on to other things..

Fill In The Blank Friday!

I stole this idea from one of my greatest friends Lauren!

1. Today I am feeling: sluggish, exhausted, and so happy it is friday!

2. If I were you I'd: go home and curl up on the couch, order some pizza, and watch movies all day. actually, that is what i would do if i were me and could do that right now. :)

3. Love is: unpredictable, uncontrollable, amazing, hard, easy, complicated, uncomplicated, heartbreaking, life-changing, babies. love is everything. it is definable, and undefinable, all at the same time.

it is also, sean getting my container of cap'n cruch ready for me when i am running late. it is sean, scraping the ice off of my car early in the morning before he leaves for work. it is sean saying the prayer for me at church because he knows i get scared to. it is also him pretending to be excited about clothes and puppies with me. it is sean patting me on the back at night to help me burp when i don't feel well. yes, he burps me. guess that is another one of my confessions. oh well, everytime he does it, we say to each other "now, this is love." oh, and if anything, it proves he will be a great dad, right?

4. I always: have to double check any plugs before i leave the house. and pee. i have to pee all time time, a million times a day so i always leave before i leave too!

5. I feel prettiest when: i am wearing a new, clean outfit. with a meaningful piece of jewelry and usually when my hair is down. i also feel pretty pretty in sweats too. actually i am just saying that so everyone else will feel the same and we can all just feel pretty in sweats togther?

6. If I had a million dollars: i would payoff seans truck and school, put a down payment on house, save a little, go on a nice vacation, buy a puppy, give some to my family and friends, and donate as much as possible.

7. I am looking forward to: having a happy, low-key weekend.