Wednesday, October 27, 2010

just some thoughts... and bambi.

so last night sean and i were talking about life and how crazy this year has been. how we keep thinking it will slow down and it never seems to. neither of us have been in the best of moods lately. not sure why, but he has been super stressed with school, work, and getting our yard ready so we can put grass in before winter. i have been stressed with work and sometimes all i want to do is just come home and take a nap but i have to entertain moses. i know that sounds silly of me, but he is in such a needy, whiny phase right now. i don't blame him. he sits home alone all day. he just wants some attention and i find myself getting short with him. i don't like being like this. i don't like letting work and other things affect my attitude so much. i love my job. don't get me wrong. but sometimes the work just ever seems to end. i am grateful though. when i am busier? i get paid more. so it is worth it. it's just exhausting some days. sean and i have yet to hang up anything in our new house. we haven't painted a thing, or put a hole in any walls. sometimes i just want to stop and enjoy the moment.

i was reading a post by my dear friend emily today, and was reminded that i do need to just stop and live in the moment. she is going through the invitro process to try and have her 2nd baby and she just found out she is pregnant! i am so happy for her and so excited for her little family. i can't even imagine what it would be like to go through that. as i was reading her post, i was reminded of something she said a couple of years ago when she was pregnant with her first child. she just wanted to enjoy every part of being pregnant. even the bad stuff, she was grateful for. because what a blessing it was to even be pregnant. her saying that always stuck with me. i thought it was so cool that she said that. i love her attitude and outlook on life, and i want to live each day like that. even the bad days. because even the bad days are days where i have a house, a job, a wonderful husband, and an amazing family. it's easy to let the stress and craziness of the world make us think that we aren't good enough. or that our lives aren't good enough. but i don't want to live like that anymore. anyway, as we were talking, sean told me that i seemed happier when i blogged more. so i am going to try to do that. i just need to get out some thoughts..

i have been feeling pretty down on myself lately. i know we all get that way. but i have let a few things from my past, and some other things really get me down lately. some recent events have come my way and i have chosen to be down about it. but i know that won't change anything. i just have to suck it up, and be a big girl. because at the end of the day.. i know deep down that in the end... none of that stuff will matter anymore.. and justice will be served where justice is due. i know i am being very vague.. so i am sorry about that. but i just needed to get some thoughts out. i also feel that i have gotten the wrong reputation at work..and it has been tough on me. i don't like being the girl with an attitude. i guess i have been stepped on so much in my past, that i have tried so hard to just stand up for myself, and i am afraid it has shed a negative light on me. i don't like when people don't like me. who does like that though? let's just say i am working really hard to just try and be a positive, happy person. i miss my old self, and i am tired of letting my past creep back into my life and anger me. i don't want to be an angry person. so right now my real focus is to try and let go of all of that.

anyway.. i didn't mean to bore anyone or be a debbie downer in this post.. but those are just some thoughts i have had recently. so how about i talk about what is good that is going on in our lives right now eh? well first off, we are getting grass this weekend! sean and his dad have been working so hard on getting our yard ready for grass. it has been quite the process, and has taken up several weekends.. but i am happy to say their hard work has paid off, and i may have helped a little bit in the process. i know..shocking eh? it will be so nice to have grass because right now it is just dirt out side, and Mosey tracks it in and it just seems like we can't keep the place clean.

in other news? well sean sets a goal every year to try something new or get a new hobby. last year was golf, and this year he wanted to go on the deer hunt. so he bought a gun, got his hunter's safety, and then this last weekend he went out with some buddies and he got a deer! a four point or something? not really sure what that means. he invited me to go, but to be honest i would rather sit on the couch in my PJ's then trek outside up a mountain in the snow looking for bambi to shoot. by the way sean thought bambi was a girl. it was pretty funny and my whole family was making fun of him including me. but the truth is i kind of thought bambi was a girl too. don't tell anyone i said that. what boy deer is named bambi? i am sorry but that is a stripper name, and most strippers are girls. and if your name is bambi, i am not judging because it's a beautiful name regardless of your occupation. and if you have that occupation? totally fine by me! i don't judge. i just don't really think it is a male name. that is all. maybe disney didn't really think that one through?

anyway, i will shut up, but here are some pictures of sean and his deer!

look how cute he is! i am talking about the deer. but sean is pretty cute too.. ;)

anyway, that is all that is new with us! i am happy to be alive. and i just want sean to know that i love him so much. i know he doesn't read this thing all the time. but sean? thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being my better half. thanks for making me want to be better. you were sent to me for a reason. and i will forever be grateful for that. you are the best thing about my life. never forget that.


Anonymous said...

I got so excited when I saw you'd posted! I love reading your posts, even if you are down, your honesty is refreshing, and I can kind of relate to how you are feeling too. If I were there I'd give you a hug! :)

Oh and I saw this,61280074 and thought of you :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

sorry you are feeling down lately. at least when you work more hours, you get paid more. something to look forward to, i guess. but you are right. sometimes, we just have to sit and enjoy the moment. i have trouble with that at times, because coming from l.a. - i'm so used to life in the fast lane, even though i've lived in portland for 8 years now. oh, and bambi! that's funny. not sean's dear, but stripper name :)

Michele said...

Welcome back! Tell Sean nice catch. Not just the deer, but you too:)

knz said...

Aw Chloe, you're amazing. Don't be sad. Part of this
kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld episode where George is upset that someone doesn't like him and he says , "Everybody has to like me! I must be liked!"
But really, who wouldn't like you? You're the best and I love you.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Sorry you're feeling down Chloe. I feel like that's how my whole year has been. I've pretty much chalked 2010 up to being a bad year and I am SO SO SO ready for 2011.

I hope things look up for you AND for me. Sending good thoughts your way.

samnhal said...

i'm glad you blogged. I love reading your posts. I could totally relate to this with stuff that is going on in my life right now too. Sometimes it's nice to have a place like a blog to be able to write and just be you, even if crappy stuff is going on. I've been working really hard on feeling peace within my heart, beyond crappy stuff, and then that stuff doesn't matter because I'm at peace with myself, and with my hubster, and with God, and I just have to remind myself that that's all that matters. So I'm glad you wrote about that stuff, it's nice to relate to someone, even if you've never met. Those deer pictures made me a little bit sad though. Poor guy.

Elise Halladay said...

First of all, I am so glad that I ran into you, Sean and Maddie and your cute family. You look so great!!! And second of all, I think the life changing events in our lives (marriage, moving etc) bring out some tough times even tho it is a great time in life. I went through similar feelings and I am still going through them. Hang in there and it will get better. Even tho we are not super close, I totally love you and hope you feel better :)

emily+brett said...

i love having a better half. how would we make it day to day without that other half that encourages you to persevere. thank you for your loving comment. you have always been a true friend to me even though we lost touch for a while. keep your chin up:)

Cailie said...

My husband and I watched Bambi a few weeks ago and he thought it was a girl too!
Whenever I'm feeling down I look to one of my favorite verses- John 3:30 He must increase, I must decrease. It helps to take the focus off of myself. It sounds like you're doing a good job at trying to be positive and count your blessings :)

jeri kaye said...

I know exactly how you feel. I hate being down, because its no fun and its just not the way to go about life. I had a rough weekend last weekend so I was letting it really eat at me, finally, I realized I just needed a break from those people so I made some changes where needed and hung out with some really positive people. It worked, so far my week has been getting better. just think positive. we are lucky to be healthy and have our loved ones so keep your chin up and cheer up buttercup :)

Matt said...

Hey Bug,

Yes, I read your blog, I have to keep up with you somehow ;)

Nice buck for Sean, keep reminding Sean Bambi is a boy.

When are you laying the sod. I think I'm free Sat.


anna said...

i don't mind the debbie downer in you. even if debbie downer likes to put up pictures of dead deer. whatever. it's cool.

kidding. thanks for sharing some true feelings on your blog. it's nice to see both sides of you.

and p.s. i'm going to be in provo next week...could we run into each other?

Shane and Chelsea Elton said...

chloe, i hope you know you are so not alone in feeling the way that you do. reading through this post, i found myself empathizing a lot. but let me tell you that even though i don't know you personally, through your blog i have found you to be quite an amazing woman! just know that even though it's hard to go through these rough patches, it won't last forever. at least, that's what helped me a bit.