i have been kind of a negative nelly lately. maybe not publicly or anything. but in my own head. i work in the mortgage industry and it's really hard not to think about buying a home every second of every day. i can't stop thinking about money and how i feel like i am wasting money renting. i added up the money we have spent on rent since we have been married and i wanted to throw up. sean and i have looked at a few houses. nothing that we love. we go back and forth on if we want to buy a home or keep renting. are we ready to make that big of a commitment? then we decide no, and we will keep renting until sean finishes school. but then i see these kids younger than me coming in and buying a home and somehow have $50,000 in savings and don't have a job and their parents are co-signing with them and gifting them money and i can't comprehend it.
it's so hard not to compare. it has become an obsession for me. and it is unhealthy. and it is making me unhappy comparing myself to other people. i love the independence of not needing help from my parents. even though i know they would help us in a heartbeat if we needed it . i just keep getting upset at a lot of things that i shouldn't get upset about. i get jealous when i hear of people getting financial aid to go to school when sean and i can't qualify for any of that. because according to the government we make just barely too much and i kid you not we do not make a lot of money. it's like i would have to quit my job for us to be given free money. it seems wrong to me. more than anything i am upset that i let all of this affect my attitude. why am i being a jealous person? i know it is human nature to be jealous. but i hate being jealous. i am trying really hard not to compare myself to others. i decided that i just need to compare how i am now, to how i am at my best. i know it's easier said than done. but i am going to do it.
i am okay with not having a lot of money. we are incredibly blessed. i mean we do have savings, and considering the economy i feel really good about having something saved. i don't know if i would say that we are poor, but i could be better with my money. i am more than okay with not getting help from my parents. i am okay with buying western family brand foods over the more popular labels. i am okay with eating cereal for dinner because it's cheaper than anything else. i am okay with keeping my clothes in my broken bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. yes. we use my white girly bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. i am okay not having a headboard for our bed.
i am okay using shower curtains for closet doors. i don't mind that sean can break into our house with a credit card. okay maybe i am not fine with that. but it's okay. we have renters insurance. i am fine with using suave products on my hair. even though the lady at the mall told me i was INSANE for doing that. i felt stupid and bought $20 shampoo and conditioner. and guess what? i haven't noticed a difference and it only lasted me like a week. p.s. who makes a smaller conditioner bottle than shampoo bottle??? doesn't everyone use more conditioner than shampoo??
i am fine buying cheap purses. i regret buying my expensive purse. no i really do. it is cursed. it has been nothing but a nightmare. i baby the purse to death. i never put it on the ground. and every time that i wear it my jeans stain the purse blue. so i put a "diaper" on it. true story. i paper clipped a paper towel to the back of it so that my jeans would stop rubbing off on them.
and then i took it to eclipse last night. i even put the purse in a separate cloth bag. you know those "green" bags? so it was double bagged(haha). and some dude talked me into buying a stupid twilight cup. but it had jacob on it without a shirt so i felt better about that. and since i paid a $1 more for it i decided i would take it home and give it to sean. well after the movie got out i had to go to the bathroom. i didn't want to throw away the cup. i had about half of the drink still in it, but i was able to set it in the bag with my purse and hang it up while i peed. well i went to wash my hands... and the cup tipped over. and spilled all over my entire purse and camera. it soaked through the purse "diaper". moral of the story? i am fine with a cheap crappy purse that i don't have to baby. and i am also fine with a regular "cheap" $4 cup without a half naked dude on it versus the $5 one. i came home and gave the cup to my dog anyway. and my dog cried all night. and i am fine with that too. because he just wanted someone to rub his belly.
anyway. i am fine with my life. no scratch that. i am more than fine with my life. it might not be perfect. in fact it is far from it. but it's mine. and i am lucky to have what i have. i'll take the crying whiny dog, and the earwig infested rented house, and the broken bedroom furniture and the diaper purse. as long as it means i get to be with sean. i'll take anything that comes with that. the colon problems and all. all the money in the world couldn't make me any happier than sean makes me. i don't care if it's cheesy. i am fine with cheesy... sometimes. and do me a favor? don't compare yourself to anyone but yourself at your best. it is so easy with blogging and social networking to compare ourselves with everyone else but it is not worth it. no ones life is perfect even if they try to make it appear that way.
okay i am done ranting. i haven't been in the blog mood much anymore. not sure if it has lost its luster for me or what.. i hardly get on the internet except to post real quick and check my email. so i am sorry i hardly comment on anyone's blogs anymore. i love you all though and am grateful for all the comments and support we receive. you guys are all awesome. i will try to be a better bloggy friend soon.