Wednesday, June 30, 2010

i am okay.

i have been kind of a negative nelly lately. maybe not publicly or anything. but in my own head. i work in the mortgage industry and it's really hard not to think about buying a home every second of every day. i can't stop thinking about money and how i feel like i am wasting money renting. i added up the money we have spent on rent since we have been married and i wanted to throw up. sean and i have looked at a few houses. nothing that we love. we go back and forth on if we want to buy a home or keep renting. are we ready to make that big of a commitment? then we decide no, and we will keep renting until sean finishes school. but then i see these kids  younger than me coming in and buying a home and somehow have $50,000 in savings and don't have a job and their parents are co-signing with them and gifting them money and i can't comprehend it.

it's so hard not to compare. it has become an obsession for me. and it is unhealthy. and it is making me unhappy comparing myself to other people. i love the independence of not needing help from my parents. even though i know they would help us in a heartbeat if we needed it . i just keep getting upset at a lot of things that i shouldn't get upset about. i get jealous when i hear of people getting financial aid to go to school when sean and i can't qualify for any of that. because according to the government we make just barely too much and i kid you not we do not make a lot of money. it's like i would have to quit my job for us to be given free money. it seems wrong to me. more than anything i am upset that i let all of this affect my attitude. why am i being a jealous person? i know it is human nature to be jealous. but i hate being jealous. i am trying really hard not to compare myself to others. i decided that i just need to compare how i am now, to how i am at my best. i know it's easier said than done. but i am going to  do it.

i am okay with not having a lot of money. we are incredibly blessed. i mean we do have savings, and considering the economy i feel really good about having something saved. i don't know if i would say that we are poor, but i could be better with my money. i am more than okay with not getting help from my parents. i am okay with buying western family brand foods over the more popular labels. i am okay with eating cereal for dinner because it's cheaper than anything else. i am okay with keeping my clothes in my broken bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. yes. we use my white girly bedroom furniture that i have had since i was five. i am okay not having a headboard for our bed.

i am okay using shower curtains for closet doors. i don't mind that sean can break into our house with a credit card. okay maybe i am not fine with that. but it's okay. we have renters insurance. i am fine with using suave products on my hair. even though the lady at the mall told me i was INSANE for doing that. i felt stupid and bought $20 shampoo and conditioner. and guess what? i haven't noticed a difference and it only lasted me like a week. p.s. who makes a smaller conditioner bottle than shampoo bottle??? doesn't everyone use more conditioner than shampoo??

i am fine buying cheap purses. i regret buying my expensive purse. no i really do. it is cursed. it has been nothing but a nightmare. i baby the purse to death. i never put it on the ground. and every time that i wear it my jeans stain the purse blue. so i put a "diaper" on it. true story. i paper clipped a paper towel to the back of it so that my jeans would stop rubbing off on them.

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and then i took it to eclipse last night. i even put the purse in a separate cloth bag. you know those "green" bags? so it was double bagged(haha). and some dude talked me into buying a stupid twilight cup. but it had jacob on it without a shirt so i felt better about that. and since i paid a $1 more for it i decided i would take it home and give it to sean. well after the movie got out i had to go to the bathroom. i didn't want to throw away the cup. i had about half of the drink still in it, but i was able to set it in the bag with my purse and hang it up while i peed. well i went to wash my hands... and the cup tipped over. and spilled all over my entire purse and camera. it soaked through the purse "diaper". moral of the story? i am fine with a cheap crappy purse that i don't have to baby. and i am also fine with a regular "cheap" $4 cup without a half naked dude on it versus the $5 one. i came home and gave the cup to my dog anyway. and my dog cried all night. and i am fine with that too. because he just wanted someone to rub his belly.

anyway. i am fine with my life. no scratch that. i am more than fine with my life. it might not be perfect. in fact it is far from it. but it's mine. and i am lucky to have what i have. i'll take the crying whiny dog, and the earwig infested rented house, and the broken bedroom furniture and the diaper purse. as long as it means i get to be with sean. i'll take anything that comes with that. the colon problems and all. all the money in the world couldn't make me any happier than sean makes me. i don't care if it's cheesy. i am fine with cheesy... sometimes. and do me a favor? don't compare yourself to anyone but yourself at your best. it is so easy with blogging and social networking to compare ourselves with everyone else but it is not worth it. no ones life is perfect even if they try to make it appear that way.

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okay i am done ranting. i haven't been in the blog mood much anymore. not sure if it has lost its luster for me or what.. i hardly get on the internet except to post real quick and check my email. so i am sorry i hardly comment on anyone's blogs anymore. i love you all though and am grateful for all the comments and support we receive. you guys are all awesome. i will try to be a better bloggy friend soon.

34 comments:

Addison Renee Boutique said...

I was thinking about this very subject today. Someone told me my cousin had lost about 20 lbs (now thinner then me) and I couldn't be happy for her.........why? WHY? Because I was jealous! The house thing, oh don't even get me started on that. I am with you on this one. I need to change my attitude and just be happy. Life is awesome even if we are DIRT POOR and still looking for a job :( I have the best family and you are part of that :) Hope you ahve a great day!!!

Bret and Ashlee said...

I love reading your blog, I totally understand how you feel about the house thing, making barely to much to get money for school and all that good stuff. I'm glad we're not the only ones. We really need to get together soon!

Kim said...

Hi Chloe, I've been reading your blog for a while and I finally feel compelled to comment. I totally understand how you feel! One of the downsides to finding a great man when you're young is that neither of you have two cents to rub together for the first few years. My husband and I are in exactly the same position...but I have him to come to each night, so it makes it easier to drive the crappy car and have the leaky gutters...the glamour can come later.

kaysi fox said...

i love this post. things feel for sure feel better when you do it yourself. & a long time ago i saw this quote when i was feeling the same way as you right now. it was, "if you think someones perfect. chances are you don't really know them." i LOVED that quote because it really is so true. if someones life looks so marvelous and perfect chances are there is something else that they are dealing with that you dont know about. whenever i get sad or jealous i totally remember that & it helps!! as long as you have your family, food & shelter everything else really doesn't matter. all of the other stuff is worldy stuff, that im sure you and me both wish we had more of! ;)

Stephanie said...

sigh, i feel this way alot with the house thing. we have a midget house, people have apartments/condos bigger than our house. and when we bought it, we were so stinking proud of it because it was OURS. then i started seeing people who were buying huge first homes that looked like my parents. and i let myself get bummed.

which was stupid, so i am going back to being insanely proud. the end.

Michelle said...

Oh my gosh, I feel the same way so much of the time lately. I constantly feel like people younger than me are just getting things handed to them, whereas I've had to struggle for the little that I have. And the silly part is that I have so much!!! I just never take the time to realize it.

Ugh.

Hope things are going better for you. I'm sure you'll be back in a better mood soon! :)

Jenni said...

Oh dear dear Chloe will the similarities ever end?!
haha, the only reason I dont have the bedroom furniture from when I was little still is because it got ruined when our basement flooded and had to be replaced...and it makes me sad because I really loved my childhoos bedroom furniture. We have no headboard either...but we do have grand plans to DIY our own! Our backdoor was attacked by our dogs and it lost the edging around it...so now bugs can crawl in anytime they want because of the gap where the door doesnt seal shut, but to buy a screendoor is expensive and so it stays. Grocery shopping I love, but its turned into more of a game than anything...we go to the meats and find rhe cheapest chicken and beef we can...running down the aisle saying "I got it for __ down here!"
then we buy cereal based on what coupon we have...although, I did splurge with some Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the last trip!
You are adorable and I love you, and even though sometimes its hard not to think about "what if" and dreamof winning the lottery...I think I will always look back on our days of cereal and shopping sprees where I bought a t-shirt AND a pair of socks...as some of my favorite memories. :) (And puppies make it better too)

And as far as blogging making it hard not to compare yourself to others...I dont really see if that way. I look at it more as a way to share my thoughts with the world, and learn from what everyone else out there is saying... yeah, someone may have a cute outfit but i will someday have an outfit that makes people jealous too! :)

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Ugh Chloe... I know what you mean. I have HGTV on all the time here and I am just so bummed that we can't buy a house right now. I know both of us should finish school and we don't make enough money to even start saving. But then I see people my age buying homes and having kids and I think, "What the heck!? Why do they get to do that and I'm stuck in the worst apartment ever with horrible neighbors and a scatterbrained landlord." Bleh.

But then I tell myself that Dustin and I are both healthy. We have a roof over our heads (even though I sometimes questions if the building we live in should be condemned), we have good family around us... it could be worse.

Just keep telling yourself that! And try to smile!

Michelle said...

aww that last part was really touching for me. I'm really missing someone right now, and was just thinking how much I would be willing to go through for him. And I don't even know what he is thinking haha! You love sean, and you know he loves you. And you have moses who loves you both! There really is nothing more important than love, it makes all the other crap worth it ;)

PS. I know RIGHT?!? I hate when they make the conditioner smaller than the shampoo. I don't understand it. And every time I run out of conditioner before shampoo I vow that if I have have a hair product company, I will make the conditioner bottles BIGGER.

Annie Kennedy said...

Aw Chloe! I thought that was so sweet when you said you'd do it all if it meant you got to be with Sean. I swear I teared up (which isn't that unbelievable, I cried watching Friends yesterday...:S)

I'm sure everyone understands these kinds of thoughts and moods, and if they don't, they're lying. We're all human and sometimes we need to remember that.

Anyway, I think you're cool :D And I love yellow, so I don't judge you for the bag ;) Maybe if it was pink I would have!

Caroline said...

I think about this all the time and in fact I just had a conversation with Marc about it. I came to the conclusion that if I could travel the world and rent for the rest of my life I would as long as I was with Marc. The pressure to compare is so crazy. It is crazy that once you get married people ask about kids, then buying houses etc and life is just wished away. I remember right before we bought our car one of our friends flat out said YOU GUYS NEED A NEW CAR .... when our car was running just fine. Any who long rant but Chloe this post is real, and you are REAL. Don't compare, appreciate life and be happy with what you have. I believe that is what life is about appreciating the small things. Sending you a hug and much much love!!!

Rhianne said...

Sigh, we thought we were wasting money on renting too but we looked at a mortgage over here and I was pretty horrified by how much money we would have to have paid in total. I'd rather have a bit more freedom and we get bored of a house after a while anyway lol

It's so hard not to compare though I agree - my sister just brought an apartment and got engaged and even though I don't really want to do either of these things I know people are wondering why I haven't and then I start to wonder the same thing. I honestly would rather just have the money to travel lol.

As long as you and Sean (and Moses) are happy then thats all that matters

♥ Katinka said...

This is such a good post!!!!!!!! It is so true.
Just be happy with yourself and what you have and you'll be okay! :)

*Lesli* said...

you crack me up chloe, and just for the record, i hear you loud and clear. stay tuned to my blog because now you've inspired me to write a post about being poor too :) maybe later today....check back. Your purse diaper is awesome, but you may want to upgrade to pampers.

Machelle said...

you are completely normal, everyone gets jealous or compares themselves to others, it's just how we adjust our attitudes to those situations that will define us. I love you chloe, even though we don't hang out that often. don't sweat all of this, you'll be back to your cute self in no time :)

kayla and tyler said...

Chloe, I'm pretty sure everyone feels the exact same way at one point!! Its hard not to compare sometimes. If I ever find myself doing it, I immediately start thinking of all the blessings I have and it helps a lot!!! And makes me realize how lucky I really am.

Selma said...

You are okay and we all love you for that girl!!!!
Money is stressing all of us out...no matter how and when and all. We should never compare but we always do even if we deny it. :( It's hard not to. :(
We're all in the same boat. I envy others sometimes but forget how grateful I should be for what I have in life. Money alone doesn't bring happiness into our lives...
...we all know that. Don't we?!

I'm glad you're okay with who you are! Just be happy and stay the way you are girl. :) OK?!???

Huge hug over to you!!!!!!

xoxo

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Recently a ton of my friends have been buying houses and since I'm not I've done a lot of the same thing. I think we've all done it at one time or another.

Becca said...

Aw, Chloe. I admire you for being so honest!

sharlyn emily said...

hey chloe,

i absolutely adore you and reading your posts. i just want you to know that being in the real estate industry, i get the same way. i get jealous of all these people out there buying houses and i don't get to be a part of that yet. but you know what? someday, i will be! and you and sean will be too! it will happen for you :) you just have to be patient and keep saving and watch your credit. but it will happen. :) keep your head up!

Rasha said...

Sorry about the purse :( I baby mine too, but way to look at the positive side :)

samnhal said...

Wow, it could literally by like I wrote this post...minus the dog. I totally do this. I hate seeing people who got married after us buy a house and traveling the world. It makes me angry sometimes, and it makes me angry that I let myself get angry about it. I feel your pain. I just have to tell myself, that's not my path. I wouldn't be happy if I was on that path. I'm following our path. It totally sucks to waste money renting, but it would suck to have a mortgage and have to fix everything in a house too. So I'll wait, just like you until Hal is done with school and then hopefully we'll have a sweet down payment and less of a loan and look at other people and say "suckers!" haha, not really, because I've been trying to be positive and not compare myself to other people to. Oh man, long comment. It seems negativity breeds negativity, so we have to work real hard to be positive and happy with what we are blessed with!

Michael, Mindy, and Dane said...

uumm..have you been reading my journal again? seriously. i have been writing a post like this in my head for months. you said it perfectly. i agree with every word. love the part about buying a house. we feel the exact same way. i don't know. i want to comment about everything i agree with, but i really do agree with all of it. i actually was thinking about you today and thinking i missed you, and so i came to your blog to comment and say hi, and i saw this post. somehow i missed it?? anyway, i love you. i am glad to know i am not the only person who feels this way. it is SO hard to not compare to others. i do it every day. but it's what makes you feel crappy. so i try not to. that is one of the downsides to blogging, i think. it is hard to see what others have and be bummed you don't have the same. or whatever. anyway. i know i'm saying what you already know. so thanks for posting this! i love it! how did you like eclipse? i haven't seen it. anyway. hope you're having a fun summer. we still need to hang out someday!

emily+brett said...

this post is awesome. when ever i read your posts i feel like i need to write down my thoughts as i read cause there are a million things i always want to say. i'll keep it short.

buy!! we love owning our house. although we were able to put some down it saves us so much. this you already know, but yet i'm still telling you, buy! second, being poor sucks, and i know we hardly make it month to month because of our mortgage but we've done the reverse and added up how much we've saved and it puts our anxiety to rest.

second; i have mixed feelings about your regret for buying that purse. i would be ticked if my jeans turned it blue too! i bought a new b-day outfit and the new jeans turned the bottom of my cream shirt blue! oh the outrage. i know. but i think you deserve to splurge now and then. don't regret pampering your self every 6 months or so. as long as it's not on a weekly basis like it was for me once upon a time (pre-mortgage days...)

love your writing. don't give up on the blogging world. it happens to us all at times but i love your updates.

so much for me keeping it short. ha.

Rachel Leigh said...

Sometimes I feel like we are the same person. I have had all of those EXACT same thoughts. Seriously. EVERY SINGLE ONE. It is so hard when you know you are being negative, but you can't help it. I totally feel that way a lot. Keep plugging along... that is what I try to do. PS, must be something in the air, im over blogging right now too.

my name is lauren. said...

i completely relate to this post. it is SO hard not to compare yourself to others. no matter what you have, there will always be something to compare. we have these friends who i always find myself drawing comparisons with. while we do have a house and are fairly established and these friends live in a fancy pants apartment, i find myself wishing that maybe we had a more modern apartment instead of a house we're tied to or nice new furniture instead of hand-me-downs to fill our house...or better/cooler jobs like they have. it's never perfect. but it's good to focus on the positives in your life: i have craig and marley just like you have sean and mosey and that is better than fine :).

oh...and p.s. i love your purse diaper. you're hillarious. that's the exact reason i love me some cheap-o target purses. i'm a total disaster when it comes to purses!

i love you so much chlo! hope you guys have a good 4th of july if we don't touch base before then!

my name is lauren. said...

ugh! i just left you a super long comment and then the computer crapped out and now i'm not sure if my comment got sent. if it didn't...i'm sorry. i basically said i love you a lot...and some other less important things... but hopefully it got sent!

xo!

Kara said...

first of all......... the purse diaper is GENIOUS. seriously! and i get pissed about money too, it's hard being married when you're so young because most of my friends are still living with their parents and don't have to worry about rent or bills. and paying rent SUCKS!!! (my) sean & i go back and forth all the time about whether to buy a house or continue renting our loft... and we always chicken out! and dont even get me started about student loans... we owe enough that we could've just bought a tiny island to live on! sometimes it just feels good to vent about it... i know i do, especially when all my friends are taking cruises with their parents credit cards while sean & i settle for va beach. and i totally get the cereal thing...but whatever! anyway, i totally totally get where you're coming from and at the end of the day... you're right! being with some one you love is far better than anything else... enjoy your holiday weekend & know that you aren't alone - money sucks!!! ;)

Michele said...

Life is GOOD! I glad you can see that. There will always be bigger, better newer etc.It sounds like you have figured out how to enjoy the journey. You go girl:)

Kjrsten said...

Hi Chloe, it's been a while since I have been here, your blog looks fantastic, lovin the make-over!

About this post, oh dear, I have been there as a newly wed. Those first years were rough... financially. with both of us in school, and working for MINIMUM WAGE! GAH! I don;t know how we made it! But what I do know is that we are better for it! Those kids who get mom and dad to buy their house (down payment, co-sign, and who knows what else!?) are NOT learning or growing from life. Nothing great ever came from free handouts. It sucks right now but trust me, it's better the way you are doing it.

{Jesica Huffaker} said...

I promise I'm not just saying this but I totally know how you feel. I have a brother in law who gets FAFSA stuff every year and they make way more than we do but somehow we don't qualify. Hmmm... don't get it. But you know what? Enjoy the purse. Enjoy your dollar more cup. Because even though you technically shouldn't be buying it now... who knows what life is going to throw at you later. Obviously you're smart and try not to splurge on everything but every once in awhile, treat yourself to something nice. Because once you are in a house, you will continue to not buy anything because you have an even bigger payment with never ending projects. Anyways, you're smart and you know what's cool in life I'll stop giving advice cuz it's really not that smart. Point of my story is... I'm sorry you've been feeling negative lately and I totally know how you feel.

{Jesica Huffaker} said...

P.S. I totally wish people would be more real on their blogs!! And I'm one of those people. Thank you for being real and honest because I am a chicken and have my real stuff on another blog no one knows about haha. So thank you for being awesome, honest, and real.

the hopkins said...

Looks like lots of people can relate to this, including myself! I get really anxious and excited to buy a house and for the future and other things and can't help but feel this way sometimes too. It's hard to make yourself not want things, when you know it's just not time yet.... cause I want to be in a house sooo bad! And I want to be able to afford so many other things right now too. But I was talking to one of my friends the other day, who is single, and she might be getting married to a guy and if so they will move into a big house and she won't have any worries about anything. And I was thinking to myself, yes that would be nice, but then I was thinking how much I love me, cohen and Preston living in our small little townhouse. And one day I will be very appreciative when we have more than we do now. Life right now will be fun memories one day.
Anyway, you're so cute chloe. And even when you say you are being negative, you still seem so positive.
By the way, your purse diaper is histerical hahahaha. Seriously, so funny. And I've totally had my jeans dye a few of my bags before... so annoying! Hope you're doing great :)

Sam said...

I know what you mean, and social networking sites definitely make it easy to feel less important when you can read and see what others have and are doing. I'm jealous of my friends with their nice salary jobs and their own places and getting married and having kids... sometimes it can be a bit much. But I love how you put it, that you just have to compare yourself to yourself at your best. I'm definitely going to try to start living by that!

PS- I have a purse that did the same thing. It's also yellow and now is blueish on one side from rubbing on my jeans... so annoying. But luckily it was an inexpensive purse.