i got new glasses and contacts this weekend. i am still trying to get used to them. it's kind of funny how a silly thing such as getting new contacts and glasses can get me to think too deeply about my life. i know. it's weird. but the last time i went to the eye doctor was a year ago. i remember when i first got glasses. i was in 8th grade. i had no idea that i didn't have perfect vision. i remember sitting in math class and not being able to see the board very clearly. i noticed that i started squinting a lot, and that i preferred sitting on the front row. which was odd, because i hated being on the front row. i hated standing out. i hated being picked on to answer questions.
anyway, i remember finally getting my first pair of glasses. i remember walking outside with them on and being completely shocked. i had no idea that i could actually see this well. i forgot what things were supposed to look like. i forgot that there were trees on the mountains. i forgot how green leaves were. i forgot how incredible clouds can look when you can actually see them. i also forgot how dirty the streets could look. and how much i hated math when i could actually see the problems on the board. maybe back then i didn't realize much about perspective. but looking back i feel like i have learned a lot.
at my latest eye appointment, i had learned that my eyes had gotten significantly worse than the appointment i had last february. in a way it scared me. i am tired of my eyes getting worse. aren't they supposed to just stabilize now? no? not until i am in my 30's? oh great, but after that i will have to worry about not being able to read a book. so when does it get better? i was a little frustrated. i hate not having control over something. especially in my own body. my twin sister has 20/20 vision. sean has perfect vision as well. my eyes are worse than both my parents.
but then i put my new contacts in. and i had that familiar feeling come back. i had forgotten how good i could see. i forgot what things were really supposed to look like. i was able to order some new frames, new contacts, and now i can actually read the street signs and the previews at the movie. it has been nice having that back. my eyes no longer hurt from straining them to see. straining that i wasn't even aware that i was doing.
i am not trying to make a story about eyes sound dramatic. because it is really not a big deal. my eyes could always be worse. they really could be. i am not legally blind, and i actually have eyes. i really need to be grateful. i guess the point of my story is that sometimes we forget how good life really can be. and yes, sometimes we forget how lame it can be, or that we are being lame, or that people who make us feel like crap are lame, or that we deserve better. but for the most part, i think we forget how good it can be.
lately i have been feeling a little unimpressed with myself. not that i am normally impressed with myself. ha. i mean you have read my blog. i am somewhat of a mess. but i just get angry thinking about how i spent $80 on make-up and hair stuff the other day. sean seemed flabbergasted when i told him the amount and then i started to freak out and think "oh my gosh i have problems. who spends $80 that they don't really have on hair stuff and make-up???" then i remembered that a lot of people do. no one is perfect. we all do that every once in a while. at least i didn't spend $80 on drugs right? and if that is your cup of tea? i am not judgin'. i love everyone. i'm just saying i spent $80 on stupid petty stuff. and i am not going to regret it. it made me feel better. so there. it was not stupid to me.
anyway, it made me think of this stupid little letter i wrote to myself and to my senior class during the last week of high school. my english teacher wanted us to each write a letter and she would put them all in a book to give to the new seniors at the beginning of next year. i had completely lost the letter. but a good friend of mine emailed it to me several years ago when i was having a rough time. i just re-read it and thought i would share it. she sent it to me without telling me what it was. then at the end she said, "you wrote this. you helped me through a tough time, and now i want you to read your own words that once lifted me up when i was down." i laughed as i was reading what i wrote. i thought i was so smart when i wrote it. reading it now, it feels somewhat childish, and my statements are generally obvious. but that is okay. i wrote it when i was 17 and when i thought i was old and mature. here it is..
So many different thoughts come to my mind when I try to think about what I want to say. The funny things is that I can't even put them into words. It's hard to believe that we will all be graduating next week. I have so many random thoughts that are racing throught my head and there is a lot that I want to say. It scares me to think that this is it. But deep down I know
that this is just the beginning. I want to say some of the most important lessons that I have learned this year. I learned that first of all you can't make people change. Second of all I learned that people change whether you like it or not. It's kind of funny how it's like that isn't it? It doesn't quite make sense does it?
I also learned that life is not fair. You can give all that you have and never get anything in return yet some people never give and always seem to get everything. One thing we need to remember though is that if we never take
that risk and give, than we would never have room to receive. Life isn't about being popular and having a boyfriend. It's not about nice cars, cute clothes, and, lots of money. Life goes much deeper than that. It goes far deeper than we will ever be able to understand. It's about taking risks, learning lessons, getting hurt, hurting others, loving others no matter what, making mistakes, bouncing back up after a hard fall, and helping others bounce back after a hard fall.
It's about unexpected phone calls and special notes to let people know you care.
It's about making people feel needed because believe it or not, the most important thing that people need in this life is to feel needed. It's about having a purpose. It's about knowing that someone's life wouldn't be that same without you in it.
It's about knowing that someone is thinking about you. Life is a journey, life is a lesson, life is a teacher, life is a test. I have been hurt many times in my life, but I know that I have hurt many people as well. I can't go back and change that, but I can learn from what I have done. I have made many mistakes and watched many friends make mistakes. I've watched them change, forget who they are, and sadly forget what life is really about. But with out all the bad times I never would have realized what the good was. I wouldn't have learned that I can't change people. All I can do is affect people by my actions and they can choose where to go from there. My example can not only teach others, but most importantly myself. I've learned to see myself through others eyes. I've realized that I have grown and I have seen who I want to become. I've realized that I have found myself by being myslef. I've realized that I shouldn't have been trying to change things all along, I should have been trying to change the way I see things.. I've learned a lot this year, but the most important thing that I learned was to give all that I have and not expect anything in return. That's how I became stronger, that's how I found out who I really am, but most importantly that's how I found out what I'm made of.
so yes. i wrote that when i was 17. it is not grammatically correct. but i still am never grammatically correct. and looking back, i would say that might not have been the moment that i realized what i was made of. i was only 17. i had been through a lot, but i had no idea what was to come. i would say re-reading that letter after my friend sent it to me was when i realized what i was made of. not completely, but it stuck with me, and i made some huge changes after that. i guess you could say i put my new glasses on. and i am trying to do that again. i am trying to change my outlook on life. i have forgotten how good that it can be. i have forgotten what i am capable of, and i have forgotten that i deserve to be better. not only for myself, but for my family, and for sean.
does this mean i am going to cook every night, and clean the house every day? ha, yeah right. no. that will probably never happen. i will probably still tell inappropriate jokes still, make a fool of myself and be totally awkward at times. but i am going to try to not be so hard on myself. i had forgotten how much that affects other people. being down and sad is not only hard on ourselves, but hard on the people who love us and who have to see us that way. it's not always easy to fix. it's easier said than done. but i promise if you read this blog, and you ever need anything, i am always here for you. and i promise that life is so much easier with glasses. whether you need them or not.
this probably made sense to no one but me. and that's okay. i don't really care. it's my blog, and my life, and i hope you all feel the same way about your own blogs or journals. don't write to please others. write to inspire yourself, and through that you will affect others.
if you stuck around until the end? thank you :) i know it was long and cheesy. oh well. i think i might just go take a walk now.... have a great night!