Friday, March 6, 2015

16 weeks with baby #2

well, with my pregnancy with ben, i documented a lot of it. this time around, i have a lot less time to do that. i feel bad that i haven't really written anything down. i am trying to be better. i think occasionally i will do these little survey things if i can find the time! i am 16 weeks now.

how big is baby: the size of an avocado. about 4-5 inches and 3-5 oz.

total weight gain: ugh. i am definitely gaining weight quicker this pregnancy. and instead of really being in my belly, it's all over the place. my boobs have honestly tripled in size. i HATE them. i told sean i want a mastectomy. that's how bad i hate boobs. sorry i just do. i keep feeling like i have gained like 15 lbs already since i weigh that much more now than i did before i got pregnant with ben.. but the truth is i weighed about 10 more lbs before i got pregnant with this baby than i did before i got pregnant with ben. if that makes sense. when i got pregnant with ben, i had lost a little weight from my tonsillectomy so i was already a little smaller than i normally was. with this one we had just gotten back from a cruise (ALL YOU DO IS EAT) and then there was thanksgiving.. so yeah. also, i hate the doctor's scale. i will weigh myself at home and it will be like 3 lbs less than the doctors scale. it makes me mad and confused. also, yesterday i weighed myself and was down like 5 lbs from the day before on the same scale. my weight fluctuates so bad. if i were to make a guess, i would say up 5 -7 lbs, even though it probably looks and feels like more. and after yesterday it being lower i don't even know anymore. let's just say nothing looks good and the only thing comfortable is sweats. and i definitely am bigger. with ben, i was not sick at all the first trimester except towards the end and most of the second trimester. this time i was very sick in the first trimester and would often eat crap to help with the nausea. it's funny to be throwing up but gaining more weight haha. that was a novel. sorry. i really don't care. as long as the baby is healthy i'll weigh whatever.

sleep: sleeping pretty good. but that's because i can still comfortably sleep on my stomach. i don't mean to, but i always end up on my stomach. i know soon i won't be able to though. i don't know how well sleep will be after that. i also take unisom every night to help with nausea so that could be why i am sleeping better. and ben still wakes up occasionally and of course i have to pee 5 times a night. but i am still sleeping okay.

best moment of the week: seeing this cute little guy and finding out he's a guy!

food cravings: i don't know if it's being in the second trimester and not feeling as sick all the time and feeling like i need to eat constantly, but my appetite has definitely subsided. maybe that's why my weight went down a little. really, all that sounds good lately is candy and diet dr. pepper. which is funny because i was on a dirty diet coke kick for soooooo long. 

food aversions: nothing really. but nothing really sounds good either. just haven't been too hungry.

symptoms: with ben i noticed this week i had way bad heartburn.. but this time around i have already started taking prilosec every day and haven't had heartburn in weeks! wahoo! it's been so nice. i wish i would have done this sooner with ben. up until 2 weeks ago tums were my best friend. and i hate tums haha. i have had lots of headaches this week. i do have a bad cold though, so that could be why. i have only thrown up once this week and it was more of a dry heave episode. i am starting to get a little energy back, but that might be because i kind of had no choice with sean being hurt. maybe it was adrenaline? maybe the anti-depressant that my doctor put me on is starting to kick in? who knows? but i have been feeling better.

movement: not yet. well there have been some times i have questioned if i felt something, but nothing yet where i absolutely knew it was the baby. i hear you feel the baby sooner in your second pregnancy, so we will see! 

gender: boy!

what i miss: smaller boobs. i said that last time (well at 17 weeks. i didn't do a 16 week one) and i am saying it again. and fitting into clothes. 

i haven't been taking many pictures this time around. i just have not felt cute at all. not that i felt super cute last time haha. i don't know if it's because i am heavier at this point that i was with ben, and cutting my hair like 2 weeks before i got pregnant? i don't know, but i haven't felt cute at all. please don't think i feel sorry for my self or anything. i just never feel like myself when i am pregnant. nothing fits, and i never get ready anymore. when i was pregnant with ben i had to get dressed and go to work everyday so i had a reason to get ready. this time ben and i stay home most the day in our pajamas. i don't have a picture for 16 weeks but here are some from 10 and 11 weeks. 


10 weeks.
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11 weeks.
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gender ultrasound!


My little guy curled up in a ball. He was definitely not as open and willing to show us his parts as Ben was. He just wanted to stay curled up in a ball not facing anyone haha. It was cute! I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I am going to hav

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It's a boy!!!! (the best picture I could get)

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baby ashby #2 is a boy! we are so excited! i think sean and both kind of expected it to be a boy. i had a feeling it would be and sean was sort of up in the air but we were not shocked at all when it was a boy. maybe its just because we already made one boy? so maybe we are just good at making boys? haha who knows. i would have loved to have a girl for a couple of reasons, one of them being that if we had a girl, i feel like we could be done having kids if we wanted to. which i do think we will have at least 3 kids, but its nice to have one of each first, if you know what i mean? also, i struggled a lot when ben was born. i know everyone already knows all about it, the post-partum, ben's allergies and acid reflux, almost always crying in pain, not sleeping ever, and throwing up ALL THE TIME. everyone says baby's spit up a lot, but if you were to spend 5 minutes with ben you would have seen that it was much more than most babies. anyway, i am glad we got that all figured out, but it was a very hard 6 months until we did. i think when i found out it was a boy, i got scared. scared because at this point all i have to compare this baby to is how things went with ben. and in my mind, since ben was a boy, this boy will be the exact same experience. now i don't need anyone to tell me that it is ridiculous to think that. i already know that. i know every baby is totally different and this experience will not be identical to my first. and even if it is similar, i learned a lot through that and would handle it different this time. but its just how i felt at the moment. i was scared. i just had to be honest about how i was feeling. part of me thought that maybe if it were a girl, i wouldn't be as scared, because at least something about the experience would be different, if that makes any sense at all? i know, it's so silly. anyway, once i got over those feelings, the excitement set in. i am so excited for benny to have a little buddy! and there will be 4 grandsons, 2 1/2 years apart on my side! it will be so fun for them.

i feel like i let people down by not having a girl. that is even sillier than my above statement. but sooo many people were hoping for a girl since there haven't been any in quite a while in my extended family. but i know this is going to be so much fun. i think God knew that if i had a girl, i might in my mind feel like we could be done haha. so this is his way of insuring that we have at least one more child :) i am okay with that. i really do love being a mother. i feel like maybe i have not given off that vibe, because i tend to be really honest about the really hard times. that's just how i am though. i have to be honest about the good and the bad. it can be so hard at times. sometimes its harder more often than its amazing. but those amazing times make all the hard time worth it. i wouldn't change anything about this journey. and i do want more than two kids, just for the record haha. i know i say i would be good with two, but i think i just say that because i am scared of the unknown.

anyway, we went in for a gender ultrasound at 15 weeks and 5 days. when we went in for ben, right away i knew it was a boy. i saw that flash on the screen right at the beginning. there was no mistaking it. this baby was definitely not as open and flashy as ben. he was curled up in a ball almost the entire time. it made it really hard for us to really be able to see anything. when she finally got to the legs, to get that gender shot, it took a while. and for a few seconds there, you couldn't see anything in between the legs. that was basically the only moment in this pregnancy so far when i thought "wait, is this a girl??" i even said that. but the tech kept trying and said she thought she saw something in between the legs, and sure enough after some maneuvering she found the boy parts. they weren't the clearest, and she even went back at the end to double check. i mean there is no doubt it's a boy, but she definitely seemed more confident about ben being a boy. she said we would check again at the big 19 week scan. i feel pretty confident that nothing will change though.

it's so cool to me to finally know the gender. it makes it seem that much more real. calling it a he instead of it. i am excited to start feeling this little guy kick. i wonder if he will look like ben? i can't wait to meet him. i am scared to be a mother of two. and to be honest, it's not really even the newborn that scares me, it's just trying to give my attention to a newborn and a very active toddler that scares me. but people have been doing it for years and years and years obviously so i know i will figure it out :)

sorry, this post it all over the place! it's been a crazy week, and i guess i just needed to type it all out in a very chaotic mess of words. please excuse all the grammatical errors. in other news.....

last saturday sean hurt his back really bad. he was helping his brother move a compressor and his back just gave out. he has had back problems for a while, but this just was kind of the last straw. he couldn't move at all and an ambulance had to be called to get him to the hospital. after lots of steroids, pain medication, and muscle relaxers, he was finally able to sit up and go home. the x rays didn't show much so we were told he needed an MRI first thing on monday. that was a nightmare trying to get the insurance to pre-authorize it. i cried all day trying to get that taken care of but finally they pulled through last minute just as we were about to pay cash for it. which we will end up paying anyway, since we have a high deductible no HSA insurance plan. i won't get into that, but long story short, sean has a herniated disc that is pressing on a nerve. he will most likely have to have surgery, but we are waiting on a second opinion. he has basically just been lying in bed most of the week. not able to do much. he did got to work towards the end of the week and he is starting to feel a little better, but still very sore.

anyway. that was our week. very hard and very exciting :) we also celebrated moe's 5th birthday! i can't believe my first little baby is 5. it's so crazy to me how fast that went. i love my moses. even though he can drive me bonkers sometimes when he wakes up ben, i still love him. here are a few cute pictures of him and ben! love my boys!!


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Love when I can capture a sweet moment like this. And in case you are wondering if we are going somewhere fancy today... We are not. Ben is into choosing his own clothes these days. He chose that shirt with some dark stretchy pajama jeans. He did have a b

Friday, February 20, 2015

what?? an update??

Our valentine this year.. ❤️��

wow. it has been way way way too long since i have blogged. this is the longest i have ever gone without blogging! i post most everything on instagram now days. but i felt like i need to get back to blogging. even if i don't get every picture up, at least i can put updates about our life here.

yes it's true! baby #2 is on the way! we are very excited. i am 14 weeks today. this pregnancy so far has been very different from my first. i have been a lot sicker. with ben i got sick but it wasn't until almost the second trimester and it was basically only at night. with this pregnancy it hit me way earlier on. i also found out a lot sooner though. maybe i should start from the beginning!

in july i went off birth control. it took us almost 10 months to get pregnant with ben. that might not seem like long to some but when you decide you are ready, it's already too late. i had a feeling it might take us a while for baby #2 as well. i didn't go off birth control with the intention to get pregnant right away. i actually went off because i thought it would help the melasma i was dealing with. basically we weren't trying but we weren't preventing. my cycles were way out of whack. i would sometimes go 10 days between a period and sometimes 40. it was annoying and was never consistent. at the beginning of december, i just had this feeling one day. i knew i was pregnant. i had thought that so many times while trying to get pregnant with ben, but this time i just knew. i knew it was probably wayyyy too early to even get a positive. even with my cycles being so long sometimes i just had a feeling. even if it would have been a normal 28 day cycle it was still early. i asked my neighbor if she had any tests and she didn't so that day when sean got home from work i ran to walgreens and bought an early response test. i think sean thought i was crazy for testing. i have wasted SOOOOO much money on negative tests. anyway i snuck into the bathroom and took it. and it seemed to be negative. but after a few minutes i noticed a second pink line start to appear. it was very faint.


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i kinda started to freak out. i came out of the bathroom and showed sean. this same thing happened with ben. we didn't believe the line. it was way too light. so sean ran back to walgreens for a digital one. and sure enough it said pregnant. we were in shock. if i am being honest i immediately felt so guilty. my sister in law had just lost her first baby at 8.5 weeks in october. i really wanted her to be pregnant before me. i felt bad. we didn't tell anyone for a few days. it also seems like the minute we found out ben got a lot harder. i was starting to doubt myself and if i could handle everything.

the day we found out i was 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant. with ben i didn't find out until i was almost 5 weeks. when i hit 5 weeks with this pregnancy i got incredibly sick. like i couldn't keep water down at all. i was so afraid that it was morning sickness but it turned out to be the stomach flu. thank goodness. that didn't stop the nausea though. i have definitely been a lot sicker this time and have thrown up a lot. especially at night. it seems like 5:00 hits and all the sudden i am so sick. i have had no energy and have been so tired all the time. i feel like i have no patience and a short temper. i had to go off of my anti-anxiety/depression medication so that probably didn't help things. i have gained weight a lot quicker too and thats been hard. i know i shouldn't complain though.. and i probably sound so ungrateful to be pregnant. but thats not the truth. i am excited. its been a slower growing excitement this time. i am soooo scared out of my mind. i am scared of getting post partum depression again. i am scared of having another challenging baby. but at the same time i feel like i learned a lot and i can handle more now. i guess we will see. i get more excited every day though and can't wait to meet this little guy or girl!

we find out in about a week and a half what the gender is. i am so excited! at 8 weeks we went to a fetal studio and paid $25 for a gender verification. we also got to hear the heartbeat. that was neat because my doctor doesn't see patients until at least 10 weeks and doesn't do ultrasounds until 19 weeks when they do the full body scan. unless you pay $25 for a gender check which we are doing at 16 weeks. here is our little Roo at 8 weeks! (the nickname for now!)


Thank you for all the sweet comments about baby #2! We are very excited! And scared out of our minds. �� Haha. My doctor only does one ultrasound at 20 weeks unless you pay for a gender check at 16-18 weeks which we are doing in 3.5 weeks! We found a

not much to see but i am still glad we did it! it's so hard to believe that there is anything in there at the beginning. my pants definitely beg to differ on that though haha. i am hoping that now that i am out of the first trimester hopefully i start to feel better soon or at least get some energy back! i have been pretty hard on myself about it. i really am getting excited though and cant wait to see ben be a big brother!

speaking of ben... he just turned 2! i cant believe it.

Happy birthday to my favorite little buddy. We have survived 2 years and I would say that is something to celebrate. You are the sweetest, funniest, craziest, most stubborn little person that I have ever met and I wouldn't change anything about you. Never

Those dark chocolate brown eyes and the one freckle on his face get me every time. �� #bennyblue

my little boy is growing up way too fast! he is all over the place and so much fun. he definitely is a handful and keeps us on our toes but he is the best thing to ever happen to us. he is starting to talk a lot more and it has been so fun. he has been a little behind on the whole english thing but he is getting there. my little cousins asked their mom if ben was speaking spanish haha. he is very smart and he talks all the time in his own little language. but now he is starting to say words and that is fun. his first real word was go. we were at the part and he was going down the slide and all the sudden he just said "GO!" as he went down. the next time he said "Set. Go!" and now he says that all the time. along with Dad, Mom, Moe, puppy, cookie, ball, milk, juice, shoes, jack, papa, mama (grandma). he says Ewee (for elliette) and K-ee for Katie. wawa (water), hi, bye, nigh nigh (good night), car..etc. he knows where all his body parts are. he is into picking out his own clothes lately. you have to give him options and let him pick. its so funny. he is so sweet and so hard at the same time. i love him so much though. he fights naps nowadays and doesn't go to bed as easily as he used to but he has been sleeping good and so that is nice. i am trying to enjoy the sleep while i can before we do the whole newborn thing again!

sean is doing great. he got a new job in august at rock canyon bank and it is going great. he loves it there but he did love his old job too. luckily he still does a lot of work with them and we were lucky enough to be able to still go on their cruise in november! we had soooo much fun. we left from puerto rico and went to Barbados, St. Lucia, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and.... shoot i forgot the 5th one. oh well i am hoping to post about that trip soon and i will remember eventually!

we have been painting our house and that has been quite the process. sean is such a saint and such a hard worker for doing this for me. i have been sick of the beige everything that we have for so long. we have the house halfway done and it is looking so good. i cant wait to have it all done.

overall life is going pretty good. we are very blessed and very lucky. we definitely have our hard days but that is life right? i am hoping to get back into blogging more regularly. i want to document this pregnancy like i did with bens and i want to blog about our trip! i am going to go to bed for now though! goodnight!!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

to my almost one year old


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these are just many of the many pictures from his cake smash photo shoot with his little girl friend elliette jane. she was born just 3 days before him! thanks maddie for the awesome pictures!


wow. i didn't plan on letting 4 months go by without blogging.. but here we are. i have been thinking all week about this post. it has been such a nostalgic week for me. exactly one year ago from this exact time we decided to head to the hospital because my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. the pain had started to become unbearable. that last week of pregnancy felt like months. i know that sounds dramatic, but when you spend 9 months with a certain date in your head, and then that day goes by and nothing has happened yet? well time decides to slow down and every hour feels like a week.

anyway. yes. 1 year ago today i was in labor with my sweet benny blue. we didn't really know yet if that was going to be his name. but we knew we wanted to use blue somehow since that's what he had been called from the first weeks of my pregnancy. we got to the hospital around 9 pm and they would not admit me until i had dilated higher than a 2 even though my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart at that point. i don't ever remember being in so much pain. walking those hospital halls in a gown while holding on to sean trying to not scream through every contraction. it was without a doubt the most painful night of my life. i remember when they finally decided to admit me at midnight and how relieved i was. i was still in so much pain but so happy that i could finally get an epidural. my water broke on its own right after i got the epidural and we didn't expect to have a baby 4 hours later but we did.

at 4:26 am benjamin blue ashby made his entrance into the world and into our lives. and what a year it has been for us. i don't really even know how to explain how much he rocked our world. i feel like it will be best to just write him a letter so i will do that below.


dear benjamin blue,

i can't believe that tonight was the last night i gave a bath and put my sweet little 11 month old baby to bed. tomorrow when you wake up you will be one year old. you will basically be a toddler. not my little baby anymore. i can't even seem to find the words to explain how this makes me feel. there are so many emotions going through my heart right now.

benny, you are the best thing that has ever happened to your dad and i. you have done more for us than you will ever understand. at 1 years old you are walking and talking. you took your first steps on the day that you turned 11 months old. i wish you could have seen the look on your dads face when you took them. we were both so not prepared but both so excited that we both got to experience that "first" with you. we were so proud of you.

you still only have 2 teeth right now. your bottom front two. you are about 21 lbs. you have dark dark brown eyes. they look like chocolate almost and your hair matches them perfectly. your eyes twinkle when you smile. you are so busy. always on the go and you never sit still. you like to keep us on our toes but we wouldn't trade it for anything. you are a curious little boy and love to get into everything. i can see your little brain trying to figure out how everything works. you just have to know so you like to take things apart and put them back together. i can already tell that you are going to be very smart. you love to learn.

your favorite things to eat right now are hashbrowns and cinnamon graham crackers. you don't like vegetables that much so i have to sneak that in with your fruit. you are still drinking soy formula and doing so well on it. i have tried to give you some foods with dairy in it and you haven't had too bad of a reaction so i am hoping you are outgrowing that allergy.

you finally started to sleep good at night around 10 months old. you still have some bad nights but you are sleeping much better than you were, so we are too. and we love that and thank you for it.

you are quite the momma's boy. like.... a lot. it can be exhausting for me at times but i love it. you love your dad so much and moses is your absolute favorite thing in the world. you light up every time you see him. i am so glad that he is hear to watch you grow up and to play with you. he is so good to you and it makes me so happy.

benny, i didn't just write this letter to talk about your milestones. i want you to know how much you changed our lives. please don't take this the wrong way... but this last year with you? it has been the hardest year of our lives. there were nights when i honestly thought that i could not last another day. tears were shed from every member of this family on multiple occasions. there was a lot of guilt on my part when i made the decision to stop nursing you. you hated it and we both cried through it every time. there were even more tears shed when i decided to stop pumping. i can't even tell you how much guilt i felt and how i still feel guilty that i stopped. but then i see your happy smiling face now, and i know i made the right choice. you were happier when i was happier. i was happier when you felt better.

the first 6 months of your life were very hard. we didn't know what was wrong with you and we spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. we finally found out at 6 months that you were allergic to cows milk protein and once we figured that out you were an entirely different baby. i am so sorry it took us so long to find out. i promise i tried everything and did so much research. i took you to so many doctors and so many tests were ran. please know that i tried everything. i just wanted to see you happy. i knew there was a happy baby in there somewhere. and boy was i right.

you have the power to light up a room, ben. your personality is so much fun. your laugh is infectious and it honestly makes me so happy. it makes me forget any pain or sadness i am feeling. i love to hear it more than anything. you are a very special little boy. you are going to change the world. i just know it. you are so strong and i know that you are going to be a leader. just like your daddy. i hope you end up just like him. he is a smart, kind, loyal man. he is such a hardworker. and i can already tell that you are going to be a lot like him.

you have taught us a lot this past year benny. you have taught me a lot about myself. you forced me to see parts of myself that i did not like. parts that i needed to change. you taught me how to grow up. you taught me how to depend on people more, but to also trust myself and depend on myself more. you taught me that i was stronger than i realized. but also weaker than i realized. you taught me to see the world in a different way. a way that i needed to start seeing it.

so yes, this last year was hard. so hard. people warned us how hard it would be. and we believed them... and we knew it. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way harder than we expected. people also told us that it would be amazing. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way more amazing than we expected. it was way better than we ever could have imagined. you are the best thing that ever happened to us. and i can't believe it has only been a year. we look forward to so many more amazing years with you. we are so happy you are in our family.

just as i was typing this up, you started to cry in your sleep. you didn't finish your bottle before bed, so i had a feeling you would wake up hungry shortly after going to bed. i am actually glad that you did, because i got to go up there and hold you one last time before you turn one year. i got to feed you one last time and kiss you one last time before you are not my little baby anymore. don't get me wrong, you will always be my baby obviously. but it's just a bittersweet feeling that i am feeling. as i sat there in the chair, feeding you, kissing your head.. i started to cry. i realized that the reason this is a sad time for me is because the older you get, the more you will see how scary this world is. the world is such a scary place right now. and i know it is only going to get harder to live in the older that you get. i wish i could protect you from all the evil and scary stuff in this world. i know that i can't. but i wish that i could.

i know the world is a scary place. and i hope that you will always be smart and make wise choices. but i also hope you know that there are good people out there. people that want to make the world better. i hope that you try to seek out those people. i know that you will be one of them. you can be a stubborn, feisty little boy.. but i hope you use that for good. i have always felt like those people are the strongest. they change the world. i am already so proud of the man that i know you are going to become. please know that your mom can be a little dramatic and emotional. i give you permission to laugh at me when you read this and actually understand it.

i guess i better wrap this up here. benny, i hope you never ever forget how loved you are. your parents are no where near perfect. not even close. but we love you. we love you so much that it physically hurts. i hope you never forget that. thank you for the hardest, but by far the best year of our lives. i hope we can spend the rest of your life making you as happy as you have made us.

i think one of the reasons that I'm so emotional is that today marks 1 year that we made it through one of the hardest years we have ever had. we did it even though it was hard. one of our family mottos since your dad and I's engagement is that we can do hard things. I hope you never forget that you can do hard things. they will make you stronger in the end. they will give your life purpose. they will make your life worth it.

happy birthday my sweet little benny bear.

love mom