Thursday, February 6, 2014

to my almost one year old


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these are just many of the many pictures from his cake smash photo shoot with his little girl friend elliette jane. she was born just 3 days before him! thanks maddie for the awesome pictures!


wow. i didn't plan on letting 4 months go by without blogging.. but here we are. i have been thinking all week about this post. it has been such a nostalgic week for me. exactly one year ago from this exact time we decided to head to the hospital because my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. the pain had started to become unbearable. that last week of pregnancy felt like months. i know that sounds dramatic, but when you spend 9 months with a certain date in your head, and then that day goes by and nothing has happened yet? well time decides to slow down and every hour feels like a week.

anyway. yes. 1 year ago today i was in labor with my sweet benny blue. we didn't really know yet if that was going to be his name. but we knew we wanted to use blue somehow since that's what he had been called from the first weeks of my pregnancy. we got to the hospital around 9 pm and they would not admit me until i had dilated higher than a 2 even though my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart at that point. i don't ever remember being in so much pain. walking those hospital halls in a gown while holding on to sean trying to not scream through every contraction. it was without a doubt the most painful night of my life. i remember when they finally decided to admit me at midnight and how relieved i was. i was still in so much pain but so happy that i could finally get an epidural. my water broke on its own right after i got the epidural and we didn't expect to have a baby 4 hours later but we did.

at 4:26 am benjamin blue ashby made his entrance into the world and into our lives. and what a year it has been for us. i don't really even know how to explain how much he rocked our world. i feel like it will be best to just write him a letter so i will do that below.


dear benjamin blue,

i can't believe that tonight was the last night i gave a bath and put my sweet little 11 month old baby to bed. tomorrow when you wake up you will be one year old. you will basically be a toddler. not my little baby anymore. i can't even seem to find the words to explain how this makes me feel. there are so many emotions going through my heart right now.

benny, you are the best thing that has ever happened to your dad and i. you have done more for us than you will ever understand. at 1 years old you are walking and talking. you took your first steps on the day that you turned 11 months old. i wish you could have seen the look on your dads face when you took them. we were both so not prepared but both so excited that we both got to experience that "first" with you. we were so proud of you.

you still only have 2 teeth right now. your bottom front two. you are about 21 lbs. you have dark dark brown eyes. they look like chocolate almost and your hair matches them perfectly. your eyes twinkle when you smile. you are so busy. always on the go and you never sit still. you like to keep us on our toes but we wouldn't trade it for anything. you are a curious little boy and love to get into everything. i can see your little brain trying to figure out how everything works. you just have to know so you like to take things apart and put them back together. i can already tell that you are going to be very smart. you love to learn.

your favorite things to eat right now are hashbrowns and cinnamon graham crackers. you don't like vegetables that much so i have to sneak that in with your fruit. you are still drinking soy formula and doing so well on it. i have tried to give you some foods with dairy in it and you haven't had too bad of a reaction so i am hoping you are outgrowing that allergy.

you finally started to sleep good at night around 10 months old. you still have some bad nights but you are sleeping much better than you were, so we are too. and we love that and thank you for it.

you are quite the momma's boy. like.... a lot. it can be exhausting for me at times but i love it. you love your dad so much and moses is your absolute favorite thing in the world. you light up every time you see him. i am so glad that he is hear to watch you grow up and to play with you. he is so good to you and it makes me so happy.

benny, i didn't just write this letter to talk about your milestones. i want you to know how much you changed our lives. please don't take this the wrong way... but this last year with you? it has been the hardest year of our lives. there were nights when i honestly thought that i could not last another day. tears were shed from every member of this family on multiple occasions. there was a lot of guilt on my part when i made the decision to stop nursing you. you hated it and we both cried through it every time. there were even more tears shed when i decided to stop pumping. i can't even tell you how much guilt i felt and how i still feel guilty that i stopped. but then i see your happy smiling face now, and i know i made the right choice. you were happier when i was happier. i was happier when you felt better.

the first 6 months of your life were very hard. we didn't know what was wrong with you and we spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. we finally found out at 6 months that you were allergic to cows milk protein and once we figured that out you were an entirely different baby. i am so sorry it took us so long to find out. i promise i tried everything and did so much research. i took you to so many doctors and so many tests were ran. please know that i tried everything. i just wanted to see you happy. i knew there was a happy baby in there somewhere. and boy was i right.

you have the power to light up a room, ben. your personality is so much fun. your laugh is infectious and it honestly makes me so happy. it makes me forget any pain or sadness i am feeling. i love to hear it more than anything. you are a very special little boy. you are going to change the world. i just know it. you are so strong and i know that you are going to be a leader. just like your daddy. i hope you end up just like him. he is a smart, kind, loyal man. he is such a hardworker. and i can already tell that you are going to be a lot like him.

you have taught us a lot this past year benny. you have taught me a lot about myself. you forced me to see parts of myself that i did not like. parts that i needed to change. you taught me how to grow up. you taught me how to depend on people more, but to also trust myself and depend on myself more. you taught me that i was stronger than i realized. but also weaker than i realized. you taught me to see the world in a different way. a way that i needed to start seeing it.

so yes, this last year was hard. so hard. people warned us how hard it would be. and we believed them... and we knew it. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way harder than we expected. people also told us that it would be amazing. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way more amazing than we expected. it was way better than we ever could have imagined. you are the best thing that ever happened to us. and i can't believe it has only been a year. we look forward to so many more amazing years with you. we are so happy you are in our family.

just as i was typing this up, you started to cry in your sleep. you didn't finish your bottle before bed, so i had a feeling you would wake up hungry shortly after going to bed. i am actually glad that you did, because i got to go up there and hold you one last time before you turn one year. i got to feed you one last time and kiss you one last time before you are not my little baby anymore. don't get me wrong, you will always be my baby obviously. but it's just a bittersweet feeling that i am feeling. as i sat there in the chair, feeding you, kissing your head.. i started to cry. i realized that the reason this is a sad time for me is because the older you get, the more you will see how scary this world is. the world is such a scary place right now. and i know it is only going to get harder to live in the older that you get. i wish i could protect you from all the evil and scary stuff in this world. i know that i can't. but i wish that i could.

i know the world is a scary place. and i hope that you will always be smart and make wise choices. but i also hope you know that there are good people out there. people that want to make the world better. i hope that you try to seek out those people. i know that you will be one of them. you can be a stubborn, feisty little boy.. but i hope you use that for good. i have always felt like those people are the strongest. they change the world. i am already so proud of the man that i know you are going to become. please know that your mom can be a little dramatic and emotional. i give you permission to laugh at me when you read this and actually understand it.

i guess i better wrap this up here. benny, i hope you never ever forget how loved you are. your parents are no where near perfect. not even close. but we love you. we love you so much that it physically hurts. i hope you never forget that. thank you for the hardest, but by far the best year of our lives. i hope we can spend the rest of your life making you as happy as you have made us.

i think one of the reasons that I'm so emotional is that today marks 1 year that we made it through one of the hardest years we have ever had. we did it even though it was hard. one of our family mottos since your dad and I's engagement is that we can do hard things. I hope you never forget that you can do hard things. they will make you stronger in the end. they will give your life purpose. they will make your life worth it.

happy birthday my sweet little benny bear.

love mom


Sunday, October 27, 2013

| Benny Blue | months 6-8

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i am really sad that i got so behind on benny's monthly updates. life has just been crazy the past few months and it never seems to slow down. i figured i better just get on here real quick and post about the past few months with ben before i forget. sadly, these past few months have been the most exciting and i have failed to document it!

so i will just start with what i can think of!

- i think i last mentioned that benny was for sure allergic to cows milk protein. he is on a soy formula now and doing great. he rarely spits up now. i mean maybe once or twice a week now? it's amazing. we had him on enfamil prosobee because it was the lightest color and didn't stain. once we realized that he wasn't spitting up at all we tried the target up & up brand and he has been doing amazing. it is A LOT cheaper and we get a lot more per can. so that has been amazing.

-he is on no reflux meds. wahoo!

-he had to go to instacare today. he weighs 19 lbs 5 oz. we also found out he has croup and another ear infection. which is another thing i missed in his monthly updates, but this is now his 2nd ear infection.

-and that leads me to us finding out that benny is allergic to amoxicillin just like his momma! he got hives all over on the last day of taking it. poor guy.

-benny has 2 teeth now! the first one came on the bottom right 1 week after his ear infection and the one right next it came about a week later.

-benny drinks about 4, 6-7 oz bottles a day. about every 4 hours.

-he has 2-3 servings of solids a day.. whether that be fruit, veggie, oatmeal etc. he also snacks on multigrain cheerios and puffs. he loves multigrain cheerios! and tortillas. i wish he didn't have his milk allergy because i am sure he would love dairy.

-he takes 2 naps a day. usually one around 9-10 and one around 2-3. they usually last anywhere from an hour to 2 1/2 hours.

-he takes a bath around 7 and usually is in bed by 8.

-he has not slept great at all these last few months. he slept better as a newborn. in fact i can't even remember the last time he slept through the night without making a peep. i took him to the dr. 2 weeks ago to make sure he didn't have another ear infection and they said he looked great and that we were probably okay to just let him cry it out. so we have been doing that. well, he still wakes up. we can't prevent that.. but he is crying for shorter periods of time and seems to do it less. we also aren't feeding him anymore when he does and now he is eating more in the day which is good. now that he is sick again sleep has gone out the window.. but oh well :)

-benny is crawling! he started to sit on his own at 5 and a half months and at 7 months he started to scoot! he started crawling at about 7 and a half and is now all over the place. he pulls himself up to stand and gets into everything. he has knocked over moe's water bowl several times.

-he is wearing anything from 6m-12m in clothes, size 3 diapers in the day and size 4 at night.

-he loves to watch mickey mouse clubhouse. the hotdog song is his favorite. he also likes jake and the neverland pirates.

-he is way more interested in cords and things he shouldn't be playing with vs. his toys.

-he has had quite a few haircuts. one professional and the rest by me. it's a disaster right now and he needs another one!

-he went to lagoon last week for his first time! it was freezing and late but he was such a trooper. he has gotten so much easier to take places. we also went to gardner village and it was a blast. he is so much fun.

-since it is not halloween yet, i won't post his costume yet, but we have some pictures. i want to take some with my real camera on halloween! he is so cute.

-benny is quite the momma's boy. he sure loves his dad but he is getting separation anxiety when i am not holding him. i really don't mind it though. he is my little buddy. he also doesn't love it when i hold other babies. funny boy.

-benny loves fruit. not so much a fan of veggies so we usually have to mix them with fruit but he will eat sweet potatoes, pumpkin, and squash. not so much the green stuff. bananas are his favorite. or at least i think.

-we got a new car after chuck (the honda) got totalled. benny now seems to like driving in the car a lot more. and so do i!

-he still loves animals so much. moses is his best buddy. they are so cute together.

we sure love our benny blue. i can't even seem to find the words to express how much i love him. he has changed our lives in every way possible. it is so much harder. but it is a million times better. i love being his mom. i love seeing the world through his eyes. it has changed me for the better. he is such a happy boy and such a sweetheart. he means the world to me. also, i know it seems like i don't post much, but i upload everything that i post on instagram to tumblr, so i feel like in a way i am still documenting A LOT of his life. i am going to try and not beat myself up about it that i don't blog about it as much. my tumblr is like a daily blog in a way. so yeah. :)

i have a lot to catch up on, like my trip to D.C. and some other things. i will someday get to that. maybe. but for now i am just enjoying spending my days with benny.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

we love fall.

UntitledUntitledUntitledUntitledUntitledUntitled man it has been too long since i last updated. i am sad because i really wanted to stick with monthly updates of ben. but things just got so crazy. i am really going to try and just keep going and start again now. we might have missed a few months, but i will do an 8 month update soon! so much has happened in the past few months with ben. he is growing up so fast! i just wanted to stop in and say hello and post a few recent pictures of us doing some fall activities with ben. the holidays are so much fun with a baby! we went to the pumpkin patch near our house last week after suffering through a couple weeks of sickness. ben picked out a little pumpkin and we snapped a few pictures. ben and i also went up to gardner village with my friend juli and her little girl elliette. she is 3 days older than ben. we had so much fun up there. we ate at archilbalds and i tried the famous fried green tomatoes. they were so good! i can't wait to go back! i don't have time to say much more now, but i promise i will update more later!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

f a m i l y | r e u n i o n .

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yesterday we went up to big cottonwood canyon for a family reunion! it was for my grandma's family on my dad's side. i never got to meet my grandma, since she passed away when my dad was 5, but it's nice to be able to meet some of the people who knew her best. it was beautiful up there! we didn't spend the night and camp with everyone though. it's a little hard with the babies and my family isn't exactly known for camping, but we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and ate lots of food. the babies did pretty good but were pretty tired by the end of the night. we got to ride up in my parents brand new toyota avalon. it is so nice! sean has been sick, so he was a trooper for coming up with us. i love my family! also, can i just say how much easier it is to take ben out and about now that he is feeling better and isn't throwing up all the time? it has been so nice. sean and i feel so much relief and are really starting to enjoy this much more. it's still not easy, but the smaller amounts of puke and the happier baby really do make a difference.

today we have just been taking it easy since sean is not feeling well. ben has decided that his new wake up time for the day is 5 am. i havent' been loving it.. but he has been waking up less in the middle of the night, so it's hard to complain too much. he seems to be pretty temperamental about his body temperature. a few weeks ago we figured out he was waking up all the time because he was too hot and feverish. we kept dressing him lightly and added a ceiling fan to his room and he did well but then started waking up all the time again. we put him back in regular pajamas and a warmer blanket and he seems to be sleeping better. oh babies. i just wish they could talk and tell us what they need! he took a 3 hour nap today that i ended up waking him up from. he is a pretty good napper so i can't complain. i just wish he slept in a little! i am so not a morning person. anyway, we have a roast cooking in the crockpot and are just taking it easy for the rest of the day. we both have a busy week ahead of us. hope everyone has a great sunday!