to my almost one year old

these are just many of the many pictures from his cake smash photo shoot with his little girl friend elliette jane. she was born just 3 days before him! thanks maddie for the awesome pictures!

wow. i didn't plan on letting 4 months go by without blogging.. but here we are. i have been thinking all week about this post. it has been such a nostalgic week for me. exactly one year ago from this exact time we decided to head to the hospital because my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. the pain had started to become unbearable. that last week of pregnancy felt like months. i know that sounds dramatic, but when you spend 9 months with a certain date in your head, and then that day goes by and nothing has happened yet? well time decides to slow down and every hour feels like a week.

anyway. yes. 1 year ago today i was in labor with my sweet benny blue. we didn't really know yet if that was going to be his name. but we knew we wanted to use blue somehow since that's what he had been called from the first weeks of my pregnancy. we got to the hospital around 9 pm and they would not admit me until i had dilated higher than a 2 even though my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart at that point. i don't ever remember being in so much pain. walking those hospital halls in a gown while holding on to sean trying to not scream through every contraction. it was without a doubt the most painful night of my life. i remember when they finally decided to admit me at midnight and how relieved i was. i was still in so much pain but so happy that i could finally get an epidural. my water broke on its own right after i got the epidural and we didn't expect to have a baby 4 hours later but we did.

at 4:26 am benjamin blue ashby made his entrance into the world and into our lives. and what a year it has been for us. i don't really even know how to explain how much he rocked our world. i feel like it will be best to just write him a letter so i will do that below.


dear benjamin blue,

i can't believe that tonight was the last night i gave a bath and put my sweet little 11 month old baby to bed. tomorrow when you wake up you will be one year old. you will basically be a toddler. not my little baby anymore. i can't even seem to find the words to explain how this makes me feel. there are so many emotions going through my heart right now.

benny, you are the best thing that has ever happened to your dad and i. you have done more for us than you will ever understand. at 1 years old you are walking and talking. you took your first steps on the day that you turned 11 months old. i wish you could have seen the look on your dads face when you took them. we were both so not prepared but both so excited that we both got to experience that "first" with you. we were so proud of you.

you still only have 2 teeth right now. your bottom front two. you are about 21 lbs. you have dark dark brown eyes. they look like chocolate almost and your hair matches them perfectly. your eyes twinkle when you smile. you are so busy. always on the go and you never sit still. you like to keep us on our toes but we wouldn't trade it for anything. you are a curious little boy and love to get into everything. i can see your little brain trying to figure out how everything works. you just have to know so you like to take things apart and put them back together. i can already tell that you are going to be very smart. you love to learn.

your favorite things to eat right now are hashbrowns and cinnamon graham crackers. you don't like vegetables that much so i have to sneak that in with your fruit. you are still drinking soy formula and doing so well on it. i have tried to give you some foods with dairy in it and you haven't had too bad of a reaction so i am hoping you are outgrowing that allergy.

you finally started to sleep good at night around 10 months old. you still have some bad nights but you are sleeping much better than you were, so we are too. and we love that and thank you for it.

you are quite the momma's boy. like.... a lot. it can be exhausting for me at times but i love it. you love your dad so much and moses is your absolute favorite thing in the world. you light up every time you see him. i am so glad that he is hear to watch you grow up and to play with you. he is so good to you and it makes me so happy.

benny, i didn't just write this letter to talk about your milestones. i want you to know how much you changed our lives. please don't take this the wrong way... but this last year with you? it has been the hardest year of our lives. there were nights when i honestly thought that i could not last another day. tears were shed from every member of this family on multiple occasions. there was a lot of guilt on my part when i made the decision to stop nursing you. you hated it and we both cried through it every time. there were even more tears shed when i decided to stop pumping. i can't even tell you how much guilt i felt and how i still feel guilty that i stopped. but then i see your happy smiling face now, and i know i made the right choice. you were happier when i was happier. i was happier when you felt better.

the first 6 months of your life were very hard. we didn't know what was wrong with you and we spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. we finally found out at 6 months that you were allergic to cows milk protein and once we figured that out you were an entirely different baby. i am so sorry it took us so long to find out. i promise i tried everything and did so much research. i took you to so many doctors and so many tests were ran. please know that i tried everything. i just wanted to see you happy. i knew there was a happy baby in there somewhere. and boy was i right.

you have the power to light up a room, ben. your personality is so much fun. your laugh is infectious and it honestly makes me so happy. it makes me forget any pain or sadness i am feeling. i love to hear it more than anything. you are a very special little boy. you are going to change the world. i just know it. you are so strong and i know that you are going to be a leader. just like your daddy. i hope you end up just like him. he is a smart, kind, loyal man. he is such a hardworker. and i can already tell that you are going to be a lot like him.

you have taught us a lot this past year benny. you have taught me a lot about myself. you forced me to see parts of myself that i did not like. parts that i needed to change. you taught me how to grow up. you taught me how to depend on people more, but to also trust myself and depend on myself more. you taught me that i was stronger than i realized. but also weaker than i realized. you taught me to see the world in a different way. a way that i needed to start seeing it.

so yes, this last year was hard. so hard. people warned us how hard it would be. and we believed them... and we knew it. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way harder than we expected. people also told us that it would be amazing. but we didn't realize that it was going to be way more amazing than we expected. it was way better than we ever could have imagined. you are the best thing that ever happened to us. and i can't believe it has only been a year. we look forward to so many more amazing years with you. we are so happy you are in our family.

just as i was typing this up, you started to cry in your sleep. you didn't finish your bottle before bed, so i had a feeling you would wake up hungry shortly after going to bed. i am actually glad that you did, because i got to go up there and hold you one last time before you turn one year. i got to feed you one last time and kiss you one last time before you are not my little baby anymore. don't get me wrong, you will always be my baby obviously. but it's just a bittersweet feeling that i am feeling. as i sat there in the chair, feeding you, kissing your head.. i started to cry. i realized that the reason this is a sad time for me is because the older you get, the more you will see how scary this world is. the world is such a scary place right now. and i know it is only going to get harder to live in the older that you get. i wish i could protect you from all the evil and scary stuff in this world. i know that i can't. but i wish that i could.

i know the world is a scary place. and i hope that you will always be smart and make wise choices. but i also hope you know that there are good people out there. people that want to make the world better. i hope that you try to seek out those people. i know that you will be one of them. you can be a stubborn, feisty little boy.. but i hope you use that for good. i have always felt like those people are the strongest. they change the world. i am already so proud of the man that i know you are going to become. please know that your mom can be a little dramatic and emotional. i give you permission to laugh at me when you read this and actually understand it.

i guess i better wrap this up here. benny, i hope you never ever forget how loved you are. your parents are no where near perfect. not even close. but we love you. we love you so much that it physically hurts. i hope you never forget that. thank you for the hardest, but by far the best year of our lives. i hope we can spend the rest of your life making you as happy as you have made us.

i think one of the reasons that I'm so emotional is that today marks 1 year that we made it through one of the hardest years we have ever had. we did it even though it was hard. one of our family mottos since your dad and I's engagement is that we can do hard things. I hope you never forget that you can do hard things. they will make you stronger in the end. they will give your life purpose. they will make your life worth it.

happy birthday my sweet little benny bear.

love mom

four months

how is this possible? i have a 4 month old? he is 1/3 of a year old? so crazy to me. it's been somewhat of a rough month with ben. who am i kidding, his whole life has been a little rough. poor kid has the worst acid reflux. i feel so bad for him. it has gotten worse the last little bit, so he hasn't been too happy. but you better believe anytime he gets a smile on that face i whip out my camera. i know i take a lot of pictures of ben.. but i have my reasons. my little brother had a twin sister named bailey. she passed away when she was 2 months old. the film that had all the pictures of them from their first 2 months of life was completely ruined when it got developed. also, my grandma had some pictures of them but i believe her camera got stolen. there is only one picture of my sister. it makes me sad. so i may go a little overboard on the pictures.. but how lucky are we to have so many opportunities these days to take pictures? you better believe i am taking advantage of it.

here are some 4 month stats on ben:

-somehow weighs 14lbs 5oz. he is 25.5 inches long and has a head circumference of 17 inches. 75% for weight, 90% for height, and 93% for head. haha. so basically he is above average in all areas. everyone always comments on his tiny and skinny he is but he is in the 75th percentile but i think he just looks even skinnier because he is so long. and his head is ginormous. i don't think he seems that little.
-he was sleeping really well for a bit, about 8-10 hours straight a night, but the past little while he went back to waking up after 5-6 hours and then every hour after that. he would go back to sleep with his binky but would wake up an hour later. last night he finally slept 10 hours straight again and didn't wake up once. i am hoping he will do it again tonight. i really needed it last night. last week was really rough. he cried... a lot. also he goes to bed between 8-9.
-still drinking about 4 oz every 3-4 hours. sometimes he will drink 5-6 oz. still on gerber gentle. we have tried everything. he pukes it up no matter what so we stuck with this one because he seems to be the most comfortable on it and it digests faster. i think that is why he has gained weight. he is also still ridiculously hard to feed. but the last week he has been a little better.
-kind of turned back into a fussy baby but that's okay. i know it will eventually pass.
-he hates church. every time we go, he throws the biggest fit. we always take turns outside with him and sometimes he is so loud we actually have to go outside the building. we have to leave early a lot. he throws a screaming fit every time.
-he needs his naps. he takes about 3-4 a day still. he has started to take a really long morning nap. usually 2-2.5 hours. it's nice! i can get ready and get some stuff done usually. if he is awake for more than 1.5-2 hours he gets really fussy. he still needs to be swaddled to sleep. he still likes to nap in his swing but he will take his morning nap in his room in either his crib or rock and play.
-speaking of swings.. we went through 4 swings already. ughh. ben loves his swing.. and we had this awesome travel swing that i could take anywhere with me. i took it to work with me, grandparents... etc. it's a fool proof way for him to take a nap. well the crappy thing about that swing is that it's crappy. the motor dies after a couple weeks. i just kept taking it back to get replaced but finally decided to just splurge and use the money from the old one to get the nice swing since he loves it so much. we got the monkey one that matches his bouncer and rock and play. it's super cute but really big and doesn't travel. oh well. also, he is about too long for it. great.
- occasionally he will laugh and giggle. it's the cutest thing ever.
-he sucks his thumb and his pointer and middle finger.
-has discovered his feet. it's so stinkin cute.
-needs a lot of attention lately. if i leave his sight he starts to cry.
-in size 1-2 diapers still
-wearing 0-3 month clothes
-still has a bald spot on the back of his head from laying in his crib! his head is a little flat too but the doctor said it wasn't bad and it's even so it wasn't anything to be worried about.
-we got him a jumparoo. the more he is in it, the more he likes it. i think he will really like it soon. he is so active and it's the perfect toy for him.
-his favorite thing to do is sit in his bumbo outside with moses. it always calms him down.
-still puking like crazy. it got even worse so i took him back to the doctor. we got an ultrasound done on him to make sure it wasn't pyloric stenosis. he screamed the entire time. it was so sad. he couldn't eat for 4 hours before it so he was not happy about that. also he just doesn't like unfamiliar things and so he wasn't a fan of having gel and the ultrasound stuff on him. he didn't like the sugar water they needed him to drink so we had to end up giving him milk to see it go through his stomach. he doesn't have pyloric stenosis so basically he just has really sever acid reflux. hopefully he grows out of it soon. we have increased his very very expensive medication. he now takes a full tablet of prevacid instead of half and is still on zantac at an increased amount. he still pukes like crazy and is still fussy but i think he is a little bit more comfortable.
-his hair is getting so long. i don't ever want to cut it though!
-his eyes still seem brownish greenish. i am interested to see how they turn out!
-loves being thrown up in the air. loves being tickled. loves when moses licks his face.
-likes to watch curious george and mickey mouse clubhouse.
-went on his first vacation last month. we went to torrey, utah to visit my grandparents. he did better than i thought he would but it was still kind of hard!
-i think he might be teething a little. i haven't seen any teeth coming through but he has been drooling like crazy and tries to suck on anything he can get his hands on.
-went to the splashpad for the first time today. he didn't really love getting wet but he loved watching all the kids play.
-he really is a sweetheart. he isn't the easiest, most calm baby in the world.. but i don't blame him. if i spit up and threw up that many times a day i would be unhappy too. he can barely keep his medicine down so we don't even know how much it helps him. i can't wait until he grows out of this. feeding him wrapped in a full length towel (both of us) is getting old.

anyway, we really love this little guy! he is so cute! he also welcomed a new cousin a few weeks ago! my brother sam and his wife had a little boy! Jack Evan Thomas! he is so cute and so tiny! ben looks ginormous compared to him!

phone pictures from the first 3 months.

my phone is seriously running out of space and my mobile photobucket app is driving me nuts and not making this easy anymore because the app got updated and won't upload the pictures in the size i want them. so i had to do them all one by one and the spacing is off and blah blah blah... annoying. anyway these pictures are not the greatest quality and are all from my phone but i love them and always want to remember them! i can't believe how much he has grown in three months! i love him so much!! i plan to get his month by month posts up here soon. i have been trying to take pictures with my regular camera for those updates.. we will see if i can find time to do it!