Monday, May 10, 2010

sean said i shouldn't post this.

{so i hesitated posting this post after i read it to sean. he said i sounded very angry in it, and that was not my intention. then i almost didn't post it. but then i realized that the whole post was about posting/not posting about certain topics, and how we shouldn't let others stop us from saying what we want to say. but then i remembered that sean is my husband, and i do care about what he says. so then i decided i would preface this post by saying that i love sean very much and think that he is the greatest man in the whole wide world and will buy him some ice cream this week. and i will even take mosey out to go to the bathroom every night this week.... with that being said, here is my post that i promise is not intentionally directed toward anyone and that i am not trying to sound angry in.....}

i don't know why but i have been thinking a lot about blogging lately. why we blog and all that jazz. actually these thoughts have been accumulating since the day i first started blogging. it just seems like it starts out as something fun to do, and then it turns into this place where you can put all of your thoughts and feelings. you catch up with old friends, and even start to make new ones. slowly you start to watch what you say, but still try to stick close to what you want to say. but then it changes after you receive a mean comment or twenty. and it changes after you take certain comments out of context. it changes after someone asks if they can be a sponsor on your blog. it changes after you run into someone and they make a comment about something that you said on your blog. it changes after someone says, "oh are you going to go and put this on your blog now?"

i know that blogs change over time. because our lives do. and that is only natural right? it is the way that it should be. our layouts will change, our readers will change, and sometimes even the main point of our blogs will change. and that is fine. there is nothing wrong with that. that is the beauty of blogging. it can be whatever you want it to be. if i want to put pictures of sean in i in our header in clothes that we would NEVER wear in real life. so be it. does that make me fake? meh. i don't really care. i am the laziest person in this world and that will probably be the most dressed up that i will ever look. if next week i want to change my header to be a picture of me in my pajamas, eating rice krispy treats straight out of the bowl? so be it. that would be freaking awesome.

some weeks i want to blog about mosey, and other weeks i want to blog about sean. other days i will host a giveaway for someone that i am close to, no strings attached. they are the things that matter to me. the things that i am constantly thinking about. the things that i want to look back and read in twenty years. they are the things that i want my kids to read about someday. sure, they will probably be embarrassed by my herpes story, and about the time i clogged the toilet and blamed it on sean and then threw him under the bus at the grocery store. they might be embarrassed about the time i tried to pee in a cup on the way to the airport in the freeway in the middle of a snowstorm on valentines day and spilled the cup all over my lap. and then had to sit it my own urine for the rest of the night because they shut the freeway down and i couldn't get home. yeah, they might get embarrassed about that. they might think i am crazy when they find out that the dog they have learned to love was impulsively bought by their mother outside of a wal-mart with out dad's permission. and gasp! what's this? he is not papered? but guess what? i don't really care. i would have paid double for this dog even if he was missing a leg. so there.

so yeah, the topic of my posts change all the time. and i am crazy. i have never been afraid to admit that on here. i don't blog for anyone else but me. that doesn't mean that i don't respect and love the people who read this blog. i have met a lot of amazing people through this blog and reading many other blogs out there. i hope this hasn't come off mean or offensive. i just want you all to know that this is my space where i can and should be able to post about whatever i want to post about. i am not sorry if it offends you. i am not sorry if some of the things i say you can't imagine ever saying in public. i am not sorry if i make sexual innuendos a little too often, and i am not sorry if me admitting that i don't shower everyday and that i don't cook a meal for my "hubby" every night offends you. i am not sorry that i change my layout a lot, and i am not sorry that i whine sometimes when i have a bad day. i am sorry, but i am just not sorry. that is who i am. and i refuse to change. i have never forced anyone to read this blog. except maybe sean. but that is it. i love you all, and just needed to get this off of my chest.

*also, i decided to disable comments on this post. i was getting quite a few and am so grateful for them. i just didn't want anyone to think i posted this to get sympathy. i didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea. this post was not sparked by one specific comment or event. it is just an accumlation over time of my feelings and i felt that i needed to get it out. i just wanted anyone who reads this blog to know that this is how i post and it's how it's going to be. i read all of your comments though and appreciate them all so much. you guys are all awesome. seriously. if i could buy you all a puppy as cute as moses and make you all a pan of rice krispy treats with chocolate drizzled all over them i would.*