you wanna go?

i want to thank everyone for their very sweet comments :) my friend will be okay. i know it.

however, the last post is some what depressing me. i don't know why. ever since i wrote it, i have felt all gloomy inside. maybe it is because i am wearing black and 3 shades of gray today. too much? probably yes. whatever. anyway, i am going to try to write about something else to get my mind off of things.

tonight we have a tournament softball game. 2 if we win the first one. i am kind of excited, but at the same time kind of not. last week i heard some words come out of my mouth that i never thought i would say in public. i used to be very non-confrontational, but the older that i get, i am finding that i am not that way. last week i was really struggling in one of our games.

we were playing a team that was 2 divisions ahead of us. so in other words, we play for fun, and they play to freaking embarass everyone else in the league. not to be rude, okay to be rude, they were very cocky. they were all buddy-buddy with the umpire and it was really pissing me off. they kept saying "oh well we aren't even trying! we are just playing easy."

eventually i found myself yelling such things as,  

"are you effing kidding me?"

"you guys are getting favored by the ump!"

"this is bull crap!" (then throwing my bat pretty hard)

and the most embarassing...

"you wanna go???"

i can't believe i actually asked a girl if she wanted to go? seriously? who do i think i am? a guest on Jerry Springer? what is wrong with me?

this girl would have killed me. my nick-name in my family is Mushles. i wouldn't even stand a chance against a 10 year old boy. but oh well. i didn't care. i don't know what was wrong with me. anyway. there is chance that we might have to play them again and i really do not want to.

i will try to keep it cool tonight. i will try not to ask anyone if they "wanna go". i will try not to talk like i'm on a trashy tv show. no offense if you were ever on a trashy tv show or if you watch trashy tv shows. i watch trashy tv shows. it makes me feel less dramatic and better about myself. i think. at least that is what i keep telling myself. maybe that is why i said "you wanna go?" maybe i should watch less of these. they are really rubbing off on me.

i wasn't even talking that trashy. the only questionable word that i said out on the field that anyone could really hear was effing. that's not even a bad word. no one knows what it really means anyway. if you think you do? prove it. and if you can? i don't want to know. i prefer to live in denial.