Monday, October 5, 2009

what you didn't see


today has been an interesting day. i found out some news about someone i am very close to. i am very devastated for them. i can unfortunately relate to their situation more than i would like to. excuse my punctuation and grammar in this post, and in every post. i just don't really care. i write to get out my feelings, and i usually don't look up til i'm done.

why is it that we get ourselves stuck in situations that we know won't make us happy? that we know won't help us grow? that we know make us try harder than we should really have to?

why is it that we feel the need to try to win someone's love and affection who clearly has no respect for our feelings? why is it that we feel we will never be able to get any better than what we have had before? why do we ever have to feel that we are damaged goods because someone used and abused us?

why do certain people feel that it is okay to treat someone a certain way, and never have any consequences? why do we have to be the ones treated like dirt, then watch them move on like nothing ever happened? like they never felt an ounce of pain for stealing our dignity and virtue? why do they get to make us look like the one crazy one who can't move on, when in reality they just can't stand the thought of having us let go?

why does everyone want what they can't have? why does there have to be such a thing as unrequited love? why do hearts have to break? why do we have to to have that empty, broken feeling? that we know everyone feels, yet we feel that no one else could even possibly comprehend the pain? 

why do we say we are okay when we know we are not? why do we know that we deserve better, yet can't seem to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning? why do we feel like we can't breathe because someone stole everything that we ever had to offer, and shattered it like glass. like it never even had a chance. 

why do we feel every feeling possibly possible all at the same time, and yet feel absolutely nothing at all? how is this possible? why is this possible? 

why do we let people take advantage of our weaknesses and then use them against us? why do we try to help people who try to break us down? why do we try to see the best in people, when we know that we need to see the red flags? but we just choose not to?

why do we have to convince ourselves that things will get better? that we can make it work? that we have invested so much time and energy into someone, that it would be far better to be with someone and be miserable, than to actually be alone?

some of my loneliest times were when i had someone right next to me. 

i want this hurting person, who i am very close to, to know this..

it will get better. i promise. although it feels like right now, that things will never be okay, they will. although you feel like no one will ever accept you for who you are, and what you have been through, just remember that someone will someday. and that person will have been through just as much as you, and will be worried about the same things that you are worried about. when you find that person, it will be easy. you won't have to make them notice you, or like you. they won't tell you that you have to show them how you feel by being physical. they will respect your feelings, and your body, and they will want to protect you. they will make promises to you and they will keep them. they will want to be better because of you. you will make them happier than they ever thought they could be, and they will do the same for you. 

you will think that stuff like this only happens in the movies, and that life never turns out happy. but you will be wrong. and this time, you will be glad that you were. you will look back on your life, and you won't be sad anymore that you wasted years of your life on someone. you will be happy because of where it brought you. you will be grateful for what you have learned. you now know what you don't need. you now know what you deserve. it won't happen overnight. and it won't always be easy. but it will probably happen when you least expect it. you will feel those butterflies again. you deserve to. i promise you this.

the pain will still be there tomorrow, next month, and possibly for years to come. but eventually you won't think about it as much. then one day, someone will walk back into your life, like they did in mine. and all of the sudden everything will just make sense. you will understand why you had to go through what you went through. you will see that it brought you to the exact moment that you are in. the happiest moment you will ever have. and i promise you, you won't trade it for anything. because you would never be as strong as you are without this experience. you will never be more ready to be treated like a princess. you will never be more glad that you were wrong about love. it really does happen when you least expect it. 

.... sorry, i know this isn't my typical post. i just want this person to know i love them dearly, and am always there for them no matter what ....

also, i blame this on the fact that Sean is asleep and i am accidentally watching Steel Magnolias. AGAIN. sigh. as if seeing in once in a lifetime isn't enough. why does it have to be on TV all the time? it's like it finds me at my most vulnerable moments and takes advantage of me. blah. last night it was Titanic. now this. i can't handle this anymore. i need a freaking tivo. NOW.


olivia rae said...

awww... beautiful post chloe! so so so true.


kayla & tyler said...

Im so sorry that you went through something so hard like that! But look how far you have come, and now you can help your close friend to feel loved, and you can be there for them, because you've been there too! That was really so sweet, everything you said! :) I hope your friend is okay!

Elise Halladay said...

Been there... felt that. And what you said is exactly true. And one day you DONT feel those things and you wonder how you ever moved on, but you do. And those hard times DO make you stronger. Advice for friend: Take time for yourself. Be selfish for once and focus on YOU. You are what is important right now and once you are ok with YOU, and love YOU- the best man will come along and love you even more.

Rachel Leigh said...

I have totally been there, with all those same emotions and thoughts... all of them! And what you have said is so true, every single bit. I hope whoever your friend is knows that even if it is hard now, it will get better and they will be so happy that they won't even remember why they thought they loved this person who hurt them so much! I hate that any of us have to go through these emotions, but know that there are other people out there that have felt this way and have found something better and so amazing! And they WILL find it too. I think that was the hardest thing to remember when feeling that way...

shirah said...

i know how this feels. and i know how good it feels when it gets better.

Randi Lee said...

You are a very good friend. It's so difficult to sit by and watch one of your friends go through the same kind of disaster you did. :-/ The worst. But I can completely relate to everything you said. It's amazing how crappy we let people treat us some times, but you're right, when you're finally done, and you've finally had it, and you heal, it feels SO good to be in love with some who deserves your love! And to love yourself enough to put your happiness first. She/he will get there... and be so happy when they do!

Staci T said...

No one has the right to make you doubt your self worth. There is no excuse for that. She will be alright. We will all be there for her.

samnhal said...

What a sweet post. I have definitely been there before. What you said is exactly right, it helps you become who you need to be for that special someone, and it's amazing when it happens. Absolutely Amazing. If she doesn't believe you, just make her look at all of these comments of people who have been through similar situations.

grant + brittany said...

she will be sad for a while, but one morning she will wake up and really feel like she has her life back. mourning will be gone, and it will be replaced with excitement and hope for her future. it really will. she can have the man she truly dreams of. and THAT is enough to be so excited about!

Juli said...

Chloe! I am in tears!! This post is something I wish I would have had when I was getting out of a very abusive relationship. (I think you may remember said relationship??) Anyway, I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. It hurt so bad. I couldn't figure out WHY it hurt so bad, because it didn't make sense. Thank you for posting this. I feel for your friend. Your words were PERFECT!!!

Nahl said...

You're right. We need to be in relationships where we don't feel ugly, helpless, and inadequate. I have two options right now. Since my boy loves me and is the most perfect guy a girl could get, I can either hit the pause button due to my inability to handle relationships.Or, I could try to make things better. It has been attempted to be done far too many times in the past, but when I look inside all I can think of is the fact that I love him, and I want to be with him come what may. If he is sticking in, handling everything that comes to him, then he deserves the same in response.
I just feel inadequate-not because of him but because of myself. As of right now, I'm trying to solve my issues with myself rather then giving up. Even though I'm tired, I'm still in love.