it's a choice.

a couple of weeks back, in fact it was 2 weeks ago to this day. sean took a calculus test and thought that he did horribly on. he spends countless hours working on calculus homework. it was really frustrating to think that all that time could be wasted. he promised me that he failed and wasn't just think that he did. he was POSTIVE that he bombed it. 


he was really upset about this. i was upset because it was friday, and i didn't want his bad mood to ruin both of our weekends. i told him that i was sick of peoples grumpy moods and that it was really rubbing off on me. well sean, being the amazing man that he is, tried really, really hard to be in a good mood. i know he only did it for me.


well later in the day, he seemed a lot happier. i commented on this. he said that he really wanted to be in a bad mood and vent about it, but that he didn't want it to ruin the weekend either.


i said to him,


"see? negativity is a choice. it's an option."


he agreed with me and i felt super philosophical and smart. probably how Gahndi and Mother Theresa felt when they came up with awesome quotes and stuff.


well this morning, all my smartness and philosophical thoughts went out the window.


i woke up today and decided it was going to be a bad day. i actually decided that. i was going to be in a bad mood and was pretty much just inviting all of the badness and negativity in the world to come my way. not because i felt like i could take it on. i wish. but because it was just one of those days where i decided i was going to feel sorry for myself. i wasn't going to try and be happy. even though i knew it was a choice.


i didn't want to get out of bed. i didn't want to get in the shower. or get ready. or do my crazy dirty hair. i didn't feel like eating cereal without milk. i didn't feel like finding something cute to wear. i wasn't even as excited as i normally am about getting to wear jeans at work because it is friday. i was mad at blogger formatting, my water for not being cold enough, my shirts for being wrinkly (maybe sean is onto something with this whole iron thing), my bangs for poking me in the face, my pants for feeling a little too tight, my boobs for not looking how i wanted them to, the toilet paper for running out, sean for flushing the toilet again after i went because there was a little piece of toilet paper that wouldn't flush. i actually told him that he wasted like 6 gallons of water or something. who the heck do i think i am?


i was angry at my clock for being too early. i was angry at my alarm for even going off. i was angry at my lip for being cracked, and my contacts for being dry. i was angry at my gas tank for being below empty, and for it being cold outside. but all of this was okay. because i had already decided that it was going to be a bad day.


i needed some lip stuff for my cracked lip. i remembered that i might have some in an old purse that i haven't used in 6 months. i found the bag and found 6 different lip glosses. wow. i noticed i had a lot of other crap in my bag. as i was searching through it, i found a dingy, folded up piece of paper.


it was a note from sean. one that he wrote 5 weeks before we got married and put it on my car in the rain in the middle of the night. i had completely forgotten about it. as i was reading this letter, i remembered that morning that i found it. and how it made my day. no one ever did stuff like that for me. sean doesn't poor out his feelings very much, but knowing that he drove all the way to my parents house at like 3 in the morning spoke volumes to me. not only was the gesture enough for me, but the words were beautiful.

he told me that i was placed in his life for a reason. that i have changed his life in more ways than he will ever know and that he couldn't wait to marry me in 5 weeks. he couldn't sleep and couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted me to know how he felt. he ended the letter with a stick figure drawing. it was of this picture:

sean says that the night he knew he loved me was on Halloween last year. we were dressed up like Juno and Paulie Bleaker. he wore a bra and a wig, and i am pretty sure he loved it a little more than he should. (just wait til you see our costumes this year)anyway, it was the two of us dancing. and a bubble thought coming out of his head that said "wow, i am in love with this girl" he put the date by it. "10/31/2008. the day that changed my life forever."

i decided after i read this letter that today was going to be a good day. there is no reason for it not to be. negativity is a choice. and even though i was okay with making that choice today? it is not the right one. it is not the best one for everybody else. i have no reason to be in a bad mood. even though sometimes i really think it is healthy and okay, today is not that day. also, when i read beautiful touching blogs like this, i can't help but be grateful for all of the things that i do have.

maybe my lip was cracked for a reason. so i would find that letter. all i know is that today is going to be a great day. oh and for the record, sean ended up getting a 95 on that calculus test. the highest in his class. makes me wonder how many times we choose to be negative about something, and then find out in the long run, that it was all just wasted energy. today, i choose to be happy. what about you?