i kinda feel like i'm in a rut right now. i am not unhappy. i am not depressed or anything like that. i just feel like i am not progressing. i don't have much motiviation unless it involves money or yummy delicious treats. i sometimes steal from cinemark. i hate doing the dishes, i hate cleaning, i hate showering daily. i hate flossing and i hate even more when sean flosses. i hate one-uppers. sometimes i think i was born to be a dog. i forget to say my prayers a lot. a lot of times i don't call people back. i told sean the other day that i hate making plans because it is a lot easier to break plans or cancel them when you haven't made any. who am i?
as hard as i try to be excited about church? i most the time am not. it's not that i am not spiritual, or don't have a testimony about what i believe in. i guess maybe i am just not as vocal about it. does that make me a bad person? because i don't always put on the happy face at church and want to speak up during lessons? because most of the time i roll out of bed at 12:45 p.m. thrown on a skirt, and hate the fact that i have to wear a skirt?
sean and i talked about this the other day. why do girls have to wear skirts? who decided this? who decided that it was more "appropriate" and "respectful"? if anything i feel more exposed and i hate it because then i
i am not even good at things like farmville or town or whatever the heck that game on facebook is. sean will be like,
"Chloe! this game is awesome! i have my own farm, i get to grow food!"
and i am like "that sounds retarded."
he is like "no, it's awesome!"
and i'm like, "the only way it's awesome, is if it's real. can you lend me some corn for dinner?"
"well no, it doesn't work like that."
and i am like, "well then it's stupid and i hate it."
and he is all, "you just need to give it a shot."
okay first off. why on earth would i want to work on a farm? no offense if you do, but i really am not a hard worker like that and will be the first to admit that i will probably whine like a baby. second, if i don't want to work on a real farm, why would i want to be in charge of a fake one? a game that teaches you hard work and responsibility? um no thanks. give me tic tac toe or brick breaker or something. those games take skill and no thinking.
also, it's interrupting our marriage. when i am like, "hey sean, do you think we should go get some drinks?" and by we i mean him.
and he says, "hold on, i have to harvest my cotton, i don't have much time left."
it is really becoming an issue.
i like yummy food. i don't mind cooking. but i hate cooking for two. i will be honest i will probably hate cooking for more than that. i hate cooking because my kitchen is small. i hate cooking because i don't have a dishwasher. i hate cooking because everytime i want to cook something i have to go spend $25 bucks at the store. i would rather spend it on Texas Roadhouse. i don't get how people cook for cheap. is there some secret "cheap food for people who don't like to cook because it can get expensive store?" if yes, can you tell me where it is? if not, should i start one? maybe? i dunno these things.
also i hate cooking because i have to shop and then my fridge dies. sean and i are afraid to use the fridge because we don't want to get too attached. you never know when things could change. also, i would rather sit on my couch watching Mystery Diagnosis or Full House than fold my clothes or do laundry.
maybe i am afraid to cook because i am afraid to fail. if sean didn't like something i made him i don't know what i would do. one time he didn't eat all of the french toast and eggs that i made. i ate all mine. i assumed he hated my cooking and then i felt like the man for eating mine and his leftovers. and then 3 cinnamon rolls after this all happened. i guess i just don't even want to set myself up for failure. maybe i am afraid to fail?
no. i wish that was it. i think more than anything i am just plain lazy. at least i am good at something right? i am gonna own it.
someday someone will say things like "you know that chloe girl? she is lazy. she is the laziest person i know. it is awesome. she is so good at it. i wish i could be good at that. i wish i could not be so good at cleaning. or doing the dishes. man. what a life."