this is just one of the many posts i have written on my private blog about our journey to get pregnant. i wrote this one the day we found out. i cut a little bit of the more personal stuff out. it's kind of a rambling mess, but i just wanted to write down everything i was feeling that day. -
ahhhhhhhh!!! i am pregnant! today is tuesday may 29th 2012. i just need to say it again. i am pregnant. it has not sunk in. we just found out today. i don't think either of us believe it. we are in shock. obviously last month i didn't get pregnant again. we were devastated. we thought for sure i would be pregnant by the time that sean graduated. for some reason we have always had this feeling since the day we got married that it would take us a while to have kids. i don't know why we were so surprised when that feeling came true. i think we had just hoped that we were wrong. anyway, i decided this month i just didn't care. i wasn't going to use an ovulation kit and we would just stop worrying about it. i was tired of wasting money on ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. i was tired of being let down. it was time to just relax and let it go for a while.
a buddy at sean's work announced his wife was pregnant after mothers day. it didn't take them long at all. sean said it stung. we were so happy for them but sad at the same time. i know some people wait WAY longer than we did, so please understand i am trying to be sensitive about it. but i think when you want a baby? it doesn't matter how long you have to wait. once you decide you want one its already too late and seems that any wait is too long. it sucked being let down every month. i felt like i was letting sean down and my body just sucked. we went and saw what to expect when you're expecting and i loved it but it also made me sad. last weekend we went up to park city for a nice getaway. the night before we left, on thursday, i took a test. it was negative. i don't know what i was expecting. my cycles have been so crazy lately that i don't even know if i am late. also we didn't use the ovulation kit so i just didn't know.
yesterday was memorial day. sean and i were both worn out. so tired. we went up to the cemetery and saw my sister and grandma's graves. i was kinda grumpy all day and had been having some headaches. i have had some PMS symptoms but didn't want to get my hopes up about pregnancy like i do every month. on our drive home last night sean brought it up to me that he was just feeling blah. feeling a little lost since graduating. i thought for a minute and told him that he is craving a challenge. he has been challenged since his mission. he then went to school and it was a non-stop challenge. he thrives on it. i told him that he just needs to be a dad. that will be a challenge that he will love and it will never end. he will be the best dad. i know it. it was hard because we had both been wanting this for a while. it was hard because we felt like it might never happen. it wasn't even the fact that it was taking us longer that we expected. we were mostly just starting to worry that something might be wrong and we wouldn't know or have any answers for a long time. anyway, he agreed and then last night as i took moe out to go to the bathroom i saw a shooting star. i know that sounds cheesy but i just wished that we would be happy and find our way. learn how to be patient and content with where we were in life. accept that this just wasn't in our hands. but also more than wishing.. i felt peace. i had a good feeling after that. it was the longest shooting star i've ever seen. i went in and told sean and said i made a wish that we would be happy. both be happy. not that we aren't happy.. but happier. that we would find purpose and be content.
this morning i just thought "what the heck, i'm taking a test." sean was in the shower. i took one. waited a few minutes and was shocked to see a second line start to form. i saw one once a while back when we first started trying but it was much fainter and we think it was the evaporation line. plus we were reaching. we were trying to see something that wasn't there. you could only see it in certain light but we tried to think it could mean something. well this time it was obvious. i ran to the bathroom and opened the shower. i showed sean and he didn't believe it. he was excited but it wasn't enough to convince him. he was still skeptical because of that other test that gave us false hope. he was super let down every month as much as me so it didn't sink in. well i thought about it all morning. i was pretty sure it was positive but we just wanted to know for sure. so at lunch i ran to walgreens. bought a digital test and went to the bathroom at walgreens. sure enough the words "pregnant" showed up. i was so used to seeing "not pregnant" i didn't believe it. i texted sean a picture. no words. then walked out to my car. i sat there and got this text from him: " i don't know what to say other than i love you and i can't stop smiling. here's to the best adventure of our lives!"
i burst into tears. it felt so good. it was worth the wait. just like i felt when sean graduated. -
anyway.. there you have it! we were not planning on announcing it publicly this early. we told our immediate family almost a week after we found out and i wanted to wait until i was about 14 weeks to tell everyone else but sean just couldn't wait any longer :). he is like a little kid at christmas and right after he heard that heartbeat he just wanted to share the news. we both actually felt relieved after. it was nice not having to hide it anymore. i had all these ideas for a cute way to announce it. but honestly when it comes down to it.. that stuff just doesn't really matter, right? i mean, i love that kind of stuff. i really do. but the way it ended up getting out ended up being perfect for us. i know it's still early but if something were to go wrong we would probably share it with everyone eventually anyway. i am just over 11 weeks now. (that we know of.. could be earlier or later than that but my doctor doesn't do an ultrasound until 19 weeks. what if there is 2???) the baby is the size of a lime or a fig. we had our first doctors appointment on monday. finally! it felt like the longest wait ever! it was totally worth it though to hear that little heart beat. my doctor said that even though she couldn't say 100% (she said things could obviously go wrong at any stage in any pregnancy) that we were out of the danger zone, she said that she was fairly confident that this baby was going to be just fine. the heartbeat sounded strong and great and everything else looked good. we can go in at 16 weeks and pay $25 to find out what we are having. i think we are probably going to do that! more than anything i just want to see that little baby inside of me!
this past week was rougher than the rest for some reason. i have thrown up a few times this week. once even at work. blah. oh well. i can't complain too much! overall i haven't been too sick and have felt pretty good. a lot better than i thought i would. also, i have been doing weekly updates on my other blog since week 7. just about how i am feeling.. cravings, aversions, and whatnot with pictures. you know those survey things? yeah those. i will probably post them over here soon! i just don't want to overwhelm everyone with baby posts all at once. but oh well! it's my blog right? this blog went from marriage blog, to moses blog, to baby blog. but hey, it's our life right? this baby is the most important thing in our life right now. for my birthday sean bought me some cute things for the baby! so did my mom! i will have to post about those eventually! i am still having a hard time finding the motivation to blog. even now that i have something to blog about.. haha. let's just say that sleep is about the only thing that i want to do these days!