Sunday, March 20, 2011

just being honest.

i haven't been very happy lately. i am just going to come out and be honest because that is one thing that i promised i would always do. be honest on this blog. blog about the good and the bad. you might think i am insane or crazy for doing it but oh well. i am not trying to be dramatic or get attention by doing this. i feel like i can't move forward if i don't get it out though. i feel very vulnerable right now, but looking back on my past those were the times that i grew the most. the times when i felt most vulnerable. i have been trying to write this post for a couple of months now. i must have at least 15 drafts in my blogger. i haven't really known how to go about it. i really don't have any big reason for not being happy. i also want to assure you that it has nothing to do with sean, or my marriage. so don't worry about that.

i have struggled with depression and anxiety before. i thought i had it conquered when i got married. i was so happy and i felt like nothing could ever make me depressed anymore. i stopped taking my medicine for it about a year and a half ago and things were going good. but somehow over the last little while it has come back. i have tried to ignore it. in fact i think i have hid it pretty well for the most part. i have had anxiety attacks a lot lately and then just try to fall asleep so i can wake up and pretend that it was just a dream. but last night i lost it. i finally had to just wake sean up in the middle of the night. i was bawling and shaking uncontrollably. i just had to talk to him. i had to let him know that i have not been happy for a while. i needed him to know that i was sad because he honestly had no idea. i get angry at myself for feeling this way because i really have it good. i have no reason not to be happy. but i guess sometimes you just can't help it. i know that i am not alone in this.

my reason for being unhappy? well. i just really don't like myself lately. i am not trying to get sympathy from anybody. but that is the honest truth. i have felt so selfish and self-absorbed. i can't focus on anything. i feel in a daze most of the time. i feel worthless and useless. i feel like a terrible friend. i don't feel like i have any talents or that i am one of those people that has a "thing" that they are good at. i feel like i have nothing to offer. i have thought about if i want to be friends with me.. and the answer? no, not really. i keep taking everything the wrong way. someone says something and i completely take it out of context. i don't even want to chime in during conversations anymore because i don't really feel like anyone cares what i have to say even though i know that is not true. i don't feel like i have anything good to contribute. when i do chime in i end up feeling selfish for some reason. i have let myself feel jealous and left out from friends and even family. and that is my own fault. i am trying to work through it.

i love living out here in springville. but i definitely feel like since we have moved away we see our families a lot less. it seems like it is more of a hassle for people to come out here to see us so that has been hard. for the most part we just sit here at home by ourselves. sean doing homework and me laying in bed. i know it has contributed to why i have been feeling depressed. i know it goes both ways though and i need to make more of an effort. but then i just think in my head, "well i wouldn't want to hang out with me, so why would anyone else?" how pathetic am i?? who does that? i haven't cooked a real meal in who knows how long. we have no milk, eggs, or cheese in our fridge. i feel like an awful wife. sean deserves so much better than this. i tried to get into crafting and working on the house to keep my mind busy but even that didn't last for long.

i feel incompetent. i know i appear lazy. and i am. i am not denying that. but sometimes i just need people to give me the benefit of the doubt. maybe i can plan a party or feed 20 people. maybe i would have no problem helping someone out with babysitting or moving if they asked. i just want to feel needed sometimes. i think we all want that. i don't want to be known as the person who would feel put out by getting asked to help. i want to help. i want people to know that i can handle things. i guess i just need to prove that because clearly lately i can't really seem to do anything that i should be doing. it's my own fault really. i have done this to myself.

i think the hardest part about all of this is that i really have it good. i am so lucky and so blessed. so it's frustrating to me that i feel this way. i know it will get better. i read back on some blog posts i wrote about a year ago, and it made me cry. i seemed so much happier. what happened? i feel like i used to be somewhat funny or at least more fun. i don't like who i have been lately. i hate being negative. i really do. i think this will just always be a struggle for me. that is why i think it might help for me to post some things that i am grateful for.

1. sean. what would i do without you? thank your for staying up last night and listening to me cry. thank you for letting me post this when i needed to just get it out. i know that can't be easy for you, for me to get so deep and personal on here. but thank you. thanks for making me laugh and for always having my back.

2. moses. you are one of my best friends.

3. both of our families are amazing. everyone in them. i know i take all of them for granted. but thank you for being so good to us. i love you all.

4. our jobs. i am so grateful that we both have jobs.

5. our home.

6. our heavenly father. if it weren't for him and his patience with me i would be even more lost than i already am.

7. diet dr. pepper. i know that is a material thing. but it's a comfort for me and makes me happy.

8. my amazing friends. including my blog friends. i really do have some fantastic ones. so thank you. i am sorry if i have been hard to be around lately.


trust me there are a lot more things that i am grateful for. those are just a few. i guess i just needed to get this all out. i hope that i can look back on this post in a year and be like "wow, i was so sad then. but now i am much happier." i want to start being a better person. i want to be kinder and happier and i felt like if i put it on here maybe i could be held accountable. i have made some incredible friends through blogging. i am grateful for each and everyone of you. i hope you won't judge me after this post. and just know that i really am okay. you don't need to feel sorry for me. just maybe understand that i am nowhere close to perfect and i don't ever want anyone to think that. and maybe just be patient with me.

and also maybe i am not the only one out there who feels this way sometimes? unhappy when everything really is okay? i know things could be so much worse and it just makes me feel even more selfish for getting wrapped up in being unhappy. it is no ones fault but my own that i feel this way. no one has done anything wrong but myself. i have so much to be grateful for. i have the best possible husband for me in the entire world. and besides me not being happy with myself? i am so happy with him. i am so completely in love with him and wouldn't change a thing about our relationship. i need to be happier for him. he deserves that. i do need to be happier for me too. and i will get there. i know it. i also just want to apologize to everyone for how i have been acting. whether you even noticed or not, i am sorry. i am sorry if i hurt anyone. i feel like i have been a terrible friend and a horrible listener. and i am sorry for not making more of an effort to be a better friend/family member.

here is something that was shared with me back in high school that i am going to try and read more often. it has helped me through some tough times and it reminds me that everything is going to be okay.

Everything Happens For A Reason


Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.


You never know who these people may be, your neighbor, your coworker, a long lost friend, or a complete stranger. When you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.


Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved,straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.


The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.


Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.


If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.


Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.


Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.


You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.


Most importantly if you Love someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.


Learn a lesson in life each day that you live. That's the story of Life.


-Author Unknown

48 comments:

this is me. said...

sending you {hugs}.

The Boob Nazi said...

CHLOE. You are amazing. I would be hanging out with you every moment of every day if we lived in the same state. You know I think you are one of the most wonderful people I've ever known. I've actually talked about you with people I know saying, "This is one of the sweetest and most genuine people in the world." When you got married to Sean, I told people how I was so happy for my friend who deserved everything good in the world. I love you so much. You are amazing.

Now that being said, do what you have to do to get out of this funk, whether it be drugs or therapy or anything else. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be the best you that you can be.

And I love you. I do. Working at Hogi Yogi and meeting you was one of the highlights of my life. :)

Caitlin said...

I'm going to perfectly honest too, I didn't read your entire post. Cause when you said your reason for being bummed lately I was like "OMG, thats totally how I have felt for like 6 months now!" Its so hard to get out of that funk! Its such an uncomfortable feeling not being happy with yourself. I feel so bad I take it out on my boyfriend sometimes. I could go on...

Good luck to us both in this journey! I hope its just bad growing pains.

Lissa Chandler said...

i feel like you took half of these words out of my mouth. i had terrible postpartum depression after max was born and sometimes i still struggle with getting up and moving on with my day. i never had anything close to depression before the end of my pregnancy, so i've had a really hard time figuring myself out the past year, especially because, like you, i have a wonderful life!

i think that after you admit to yourself that there's a problem and once you start working on it (whether it be strictly by yourself or with a therapist), things will get much better. and if it helps, when i have bad days, i remind myself that i just need to get through the day and if i forget to call someone back or if i fail a test or don't take care of the dishes, it's not that big of a deal because little chores and menial tasks aren't the definition of who I am... if that makes any sense.

i know we've never met outside of the blogosphere, but you seem like such a genuine, sweet person. you'll get through it! especially since you are so funny and since have an awesome husband to help you get through everything. aren't hilarious and cute husbands the best?

p.s. i loved the first and second paragraph in the "everything happens for a reason" story. loved it.

p.p.s. hands down, this is the longest comment i have ever posted.

kimberly ann said...

i can definitely relate to how you're feeling now... i know it's not easy to pull yourself out of a slump like this, but i have a few things in mind to help me through it. reading, volunteer work, parties with close friends, 'me time' with bubble baths, etc. you're one of my favorite bloggers and a huge inspiration. i'll be sending warm wishes your way.

Claire said...

Hello, i'm fairly new to your blog and this made me sad to see you struggling. Depression is such a misunderstood illness, really, people think because someone seems to 'have it all' job, home, family, friends, that they have no 'right' to be depressed, but these things don't really come into why people struggle with depression.
I think it's interesting what you say about not going out, staying in bed, it's easy for me to say but maybe you should set your self little tiny goals..like...'This week, I'm going to buy the ingredients to cook a nice meal' or..'This week I'm going to contact that friend I havent seen for weeks'.. and don't forget to go to the Dr, therapist whatever, although i do think blogging is great therapy!
Anyway, I really hope you feel happier soon xx

Annie Kennedy said...

Your honesty is beautiful. I want to give you a big hug, because I know how you feel. I wish I could say more, or do more. But I'm here for you, all the way across the world! :) Come visit again! We should hang out :D

Rhianne said...

oh Chloe, I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this. I suffer really bad anxiety at night time too I can't sleep :( I just lie there thinking more and more negative things.

I hope you start to feel better and take care of yourself now that you've written this though - anxiety and depression isn't about your surroundings or how good you have it, it's how you feel about yourself and don't ever feel bad for looking after yourself and Sean if thats what you need to do, even if you are worried it appears selfish. Sometimes thats just what you need to do.

Sending all 3 of you love x

Patience said...

I have been battling depression since October. There are days I feel amazing and others ( a lot other) where I don't even want to get out of bed. I have never battled depression before so all of these thoughts and emotions are new for me. I will say, I have the same thoughts as you do. Each day is a work in progress and I am trying to pick up the pieces as I go along. I too hid my feelings from my husband until I finally broke down to him. It has helped. I will be praying for you chloe.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I'm right there with you Chloe. I try to put on a happy face and act like nothing's wrong because I feel like if I do it's just going to make everything worse. But inside I definitely feel sad and like nothing will bring me out of it.

Sending lots of hugs your way hon.

jordan said...

I'm a complete stranger but I've been reading your blog for a long time now and just had to comment on this.

I feel like I wrote this whole post. I've been feeling the EXACT (to a tee, it's almost scary how similar i feel) same way for the past few months. I know it's hard. It's really helpful knowing that other people struggle with it & are honest about it. So thank you & kudos to you for sharing your feelings, even if it was difficult.

In my case, I got my first full-time job this past summer. It's HECTIC and I've really struggled with finding a work/life balance. Couple that with existing depression/anxiety .. it's been a hard time. All I do is work, think about work, am so tired from work that I sit around, etc. I've been so unhappy and ungrateful & like you, I have a good life and many things to be thankful for!

I've basically lost myself so right now, I'm trying to find myself again. Do things for me. Find new (or old) hobbies. Think about small business ideas. Plan future trips. Get outside and hike.

Anyways, I've rambled.. sorry. I just wanted you to know that I'm struggling too and this post really helped me. I hope you start feeling happier soon! You're worth it!

Btw, Moses is ADORABLE.

:)

Danielle & Clint said...

Sweet Chole, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You are so brave to be honest about your life and your feelings and that is really amazing. I often struggle with depression and have for years. It seems like it is a constant battle and there are periods that are much harder than others. You are such a wonderful person and you will get through this. The good news is, when things are bad it only means they have to get better since change is inevitable. You have lots of people rooting for you so you are defintitely not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kara said...

just wanted to chime in here... i love your blog and one of the reasons i always come back is because you are SO FUNNY! the way you write things and explain stuff that moses has done, it seriously has me cracking up at my desk! so the idea that you wouldn't be friends with yourself blows my mind, because i think you must be so much fun to hang out with!

with that said, i have also been struggling with anxiety and depression. i do really well for a few months and stop taking my medication and then find myself back where i started. its EXTREMELY frustrating and annoying and i totally get when you say that you feel like there isn't a reason to be so sad and so you wind up feeling guilty.

ugh. i have found this especially to be true in the winter months, because it is so gloomy. so maybe the sunshine that is headed our way will help you out :) with that said, don't feel guilty about needing to go back to a therapist or neededing to start taking medication again (i say this to you, almost to remind myself) -- there is nothing wrong with you, and there is no shame in seeking help for something that is out of your control!

just know that you have everyone out here in the blogging world and the 'REAL' world rooting for you. you are drop dead gorgeous and if you're this funny online, i can't imagine how hilarious you are in person! hang in there girl!

xx Kara

{andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Your right... You're not the only one who feels that way. I have so much good in my life, but sometimes I just cannot help but feel sad. It's horrible that we have to feel this way, but it is good to express it and know we are not alone.

Keep your chin up beautiful.

stuartandbrittney said...

Chloe,

Can I just say that I absolutely adore you? You are one of those people in Jr. High and High School that I always wished we would have been really good friends.

Second, I think its great you are expressing how you feel. I hate the feeling of wanting to express how you are feeling, but feeling like you can't because no one wants to hear it. Emotions are very real, and deserve to be expressed how they are felt.

I truly hope and pray you start feeling happier. You are an amazing person and deserve happiness. And I (like so many people who read your blog) would love to hang out with you any time:)

Miss Chelsea said...

My (now) ex, still best friend struggles with depression... so I'm really familiar with everything you're going through. I think we all dabble in it a bit even if we don't realize it! I know I personally have felt all those things, and yea the worst part is knowing that you should be grateful and happy but it's just hard sometimes!

I guess all I'm writing to say is that you aren't alone for one, and you shouldnt ever be ashamed (not saying that you are, idk) to take medicine. If it helps, it helps and that's what you need. Like I always tell Chris, he has square pegs and round holes up inside his head and sometimes his brain just needs a little help getting them to fit together! haha

Michele said...

Chloe- I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is as real as any sickness. It isn't because your are weak or a psycho. It is just your brain "misfiring" I have had many very close to me deal with this and I am sure it will appear in at least to others I am close to. You are a good person. Please validate yourself in that. No one is perfect. We all have our down falls. Taking meds to help your brain get all signals where they need to be is no different than taking insulin for diabetes. would you call a diabetic "whacked"? no! So cut yourself some slack and use medical advances in your favor and live your life the best way possible. I love you and pray for you. I promise you have so much joy ahead of you. So do all you can to experience it to the fullest! Go see a doc. There is no shame in that. Good luck sista:)

Maddie said...

I'm sorry Chloe :( I should have been more sensitive to these feelings you've been having lately! You can always talk to me, you're my best friend, and I love you!

{Selma} Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

Girl, I hear you and feel you. Sending you tons of hugs over so you know you're not alone. :)
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not notice that reason or see it coming our way but it's there...some day, somehow.

xoxo

Diana Smith said...

I understand you completely!! I hope you find some sort of happiness that can make this all go away! Thinking of you in your hard time... xoxo

Elise Halladay said...

Just want you to know that you are gorgeous and inspiring! I really do look up to you

Team Cupcake said...

Hi Chloe,

We went to the same high school & I absolutely love reading your blog because you are real! So many people only put happy things on their blogs & I often feel like everything is always perfect for them & wonder what is wrong with me.

I think that going through things like this help us to remember how important it is that we express the emotions. It reminds us of the wonderful things we have. I think the Lord will only give us things he knows we can handle & I hope that you get through these tough feelings. You are not alone & know that your readers appreciate your honesty & are pulling for you!

samnhal said...

Chloe, just know that you aren't alone in this struggle. I actually just went through a really big similar funk and am just now sort of coming out of it. I would get really psyched about actually doing things , and the smallest thing would knock me right back into not wanting to do anything but sit at home and mope. It really helped to talk to my husband, and my heavenly father. What also really helped, was I made the new years goal of being open and trying new things. I posted it on my blog so I felt accountable, and so far I've tried lots of new things, and it's kept my excited thinking about new things that I can keep doing. What's really hard for me is like what you said, I have no specific talent, I don't really feel like I have much of a purpose to my life right now with just working, but not working in a field that I love. It's hard to know what to do with your life. That's what I'm working on. Maybe we can work on it together! Get motivated by having someone to share the experience of trying new things to figure out our lives, and to gain talents! It's an idea.

Vanisha Mishra-Vakaoti said...

Hey Chloe, I've experienced that too just a long lasting deep sadness and it does get better. I'm working on a post about feeling inadequate and useless in my area of work right now. And that's even though I love what I do and I know it's such important work. Stay strong :)

samnhal said...

Oh yeah, and thanks for letting me know about the amazing things you make for your blog. I love picnik, but I've never though about designing things in there. Now I just need to figure out how to get my blog background the way I want it.

Kristine L. said...

You don't know me, but we have lots of mutual friends. I think we might have gone to the same HS?

Anyway, my Relief Society JUST had a lesson dedicated all to depression a few weeks ago. It's more common than I would have ever believed. There were a few sisters who spoke about it and they said that as hard as they tried, they just couldn't get out of their funk on their own. It's not something you are doing or not doing... it is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's so hard not to beat yourself up over every little thing, but much of it is out of your control. I'm sure you weren't blogging about it to solicit advice, but I thought I would pass along some things some of the sisters in our ward recommended and you can take them for what they're worth:
-Get on a prescription.
-Use the churches services (just typing in depression on lds.org will bring up TONS of resources)
-Exercise
-Make a list of 5 unique things that you are grateful for each day.
-This talk by President Benson: http://lds.org/general-conference/1974/10/do-not-despair?lang=eng&query=depression

I hope that you can find some help and start being happy again!

@manda said...

Feeling this way myself..... I think there is so much pressure on us as women, mothers, puppy moms, daughters, friends, etc. right now. I think that is how satan gets to us the easiest. I find myself looking at blogs, wishing I was this way or that way, skinny again, prettier, better at taking care of my home, better mom, better everything. Just know you are not alone. I love you and we really do need to get out! I am planning something for the girls right now. it is a must!

tiffany said...

i know exactly how you feel.

Shane and Chelsea Elton said...

Chloe, first I think you are very brave to be so open. I find myself getting caught up in wanting to use my blog to paint a "perfect" picture of my life because I perceive that to be what everyone else has. So not true. Second, I have struggled with depression like a rollercoaster for many years. It's something that can be so crippling and baffling because it seems to come out of nowhere. Thank goodness for wonderful men like our husbands, who can love us through these hard and confusing times.

I have never met you in person but I think you are an AMAZING woman and everytime I've looked at your blog I've thought: I wish I could be more like her. She's so good at everything!

As impossible as it feels, try to resist those thoughts of low self-worth. They're utter lies. I hope you find what you need to feel happy again. Lots of love to you!

Lissa Chandler said...

then let's be! do you want to schedule a lunch date sometime next week?

Kayla said...

Chloe! This post made me so sad to read. And I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what you are going through, and I hope I never find out, cause it sure does sound awful. You will be in my prayers, and I hope you start feeling better about life and yourself. You certainly are a wonderful person with lots of talents and love. You are so kind and hilarious, plus insanely gorgeous!! You have lots of bloggy friends supporting you, not to mention a great hubby!! Keep your chin up and I hope you can realize how important you are. Its easy to forget sometimes, but we all have great lives to live and we all have a purpose here on this earth. I'm sure this is all easier said than done. Please remember you are very loved and have so much to give!!

Diane said...

We have never met, but also share friends of friends. I love your blog because of it's refreshing honesty. I have also struggled with depression intermittently and I think it's important to realize that you don't need to blame yourself. I had a seminary teacher once ask me what I would do if I broke my leg. Obviously you'd see a doctor and get help to heal. It wouldn't be your fault it was broken, and you would just need a little assistance setting things straight. Same with depression. It isn't your fault, you may just need a little help, and most importantly, healing is possible. I have felt all of the same feelings you mentioned, and sometimes still do. One thing that has helped me beyond medical assistance is to keep a happy journal. I list the things that make me happy, no matter how big or small, and then pull it out when I'm down and find ways to add a few of those things into each day for awhile.

I also think you have an awesome talent of turning cheap D.I. finds into beautiful treasures for your home. I wish I had an eye for that.

mama boss said...

I have struggled with depression off and on since high school. I have had stretches of genuine happiness and good times, and I have felf the weight of sorrow on my shoulders, crushing me to the point of wanting to just give up. When the people I confided in didn't take my sadness seriously, I internalized it, I hid it from everyone, and I did a pretty good job of it. (Though that's not necessarily something I should be proud of...) I never saw a professional or took medication, though I may have benefitted from it, because nobody believed I was sad.
The lowest I ever got was after high school, before the Hubs and I began hanging out. I ended HS on a high note, but before I knew it I was slipping down a steep slope, and I couldn't stop it. Eventually I stopped trying, I just accepted it and made myself at home in the chasm I felt I was in. I tried to find ways to go deeper, because it was the only thing I knew how to do. I knew how to be sad and I knew how to be lonely, so why not live out my days this way? This was the lot I was dealt. It took a long while and a lot of tears and struggle and pain after hubs and I began spending time together before I began to come out of the fog. He was very instumental in helping me to stop some behaviors that were very harmful to myself. He helped me to see goodness and to feel happiness again. With his help and his support I was able to climb out of my dark place and I felt pretty stable and steady in the light.
Things happened quickly, we were married and then we were pregnant. I felt on top of the world. But, as depression is wont to do, it started to creep back into my life. I don't know if Cori has even realized, I've hardly been able to admit it myself. I keep saying I can't be that sad, because I'm not engaging in the behaviors that Cori helped me to stop. But I have felt so helpless and frustrated lately. And then I feel stupid and selfish because hello I've got this beautiful little family, a loving, hard-working husband, three beautiful children, our needs are met, what do I have to be sad or frustrated about? And yet I constantly find myself on the shortest fuse with the children. I sit, curled up in a ball, on the couch, staring at my phone (read: mindlessly meandering the www), because I feel like I can't do anything else, I have no energy and no desire.
Wow, I didn't mean to tell you all of that, but I was on a roll. Basically, I want you to know you're not alone. There are many of us out there with wonderful lives who can't help but get down from time to time. It just happens to some of us.
Chloé, I really admire you. You are beautiful, you write extremely well, you are funny, and you are brave. You are genuine and honest and I love that!
I don't really know how this comment could possibly help...I just want you to know you are not alone, and that I think you're amazing. I really hope that you are able to have the experience you wrote about, that in a years time you will look back and see how sad you were, but you won't be any more, and you'll be able to see the progress you've made. ♥

emily+brett said...

i know you feel self conscious writing this and many may think you are wanting a pat on the back, which everyone needs, but i know exactly how you feel. trust me. when brett and i first got married i was on medication for bipolar disorder and depression. i felt the same way. just not content with myself or my life. this may or may not be how you are feeling or what you need to do but i found that i wasn't serving enough. i never got involved at church, never did visiting teaching or had a calling. we went to church but i hated going to rs. i also hated my job. it put me in a lot of positions where i wasn't being 100% honest. there was so much pressure on me. we had financial difficulties because shopping seemed to be my outlet and brett didn't understand. i would say medication got me to the point where i could live without wanting to die but i was never happy. i would say everything changed for me when i got a new job (it may be worth looking into...) where i could be honest and feel important. then through all our infertility issues i realized how strong i could be. trials really are heavenly father's way of making us better people. i still have hard weeks where i just need to cry and tell brett i'm feeling inadequate as a wife and mom. whenever i feel like this i serve someone in need. usually anonymously but really you should try it. instead of laying in bed and hating yourself, get up and put something together for someone. maybe even someone you dislike. i promise you'll feel a lift. love you. you really are so unique. i don't know if it will help but i wrote a poem last year when i was feeling bit like you are. check it out if you want; http://brettandemilybrady.blogspot.com/2010/03/house-has-got-me-thinkin.html

love you chloe- let's go to lunch for real! 801-921-9400 leave me your number too so i can call you sometime.

Dan+Alli said...

So many comments already....I have no advice. But I just want to say it is SO refreshing to read an honest blog. We all feel this way sometimes. I've gotten so sick of reading blogs that are so fake and up in the clouds. You are real and I love that. (I have no milk eggs or cheese in my fridge either...and I'm completely fine with it:))

kelsey and murray said...

chloe- can i just say that I LOVE YOUR GUTS? this might sound weird but thanks for sharing your feelings- i believe that blogs are a place to share feelings and get it off our minds. i don't know exactly what you are feeling or going through, but i too suffer from anxiety and mine was awful through the holidays- there were some days i didn't know how i was going to cope. but know that you are gorgeous and loved! i really really REALLY wanna get together. we can come see your cute house! murr always asks me when we are going to get together with you guys since we saw you that day at the mall. as i read em's comment above- i think we should start a monthly or bi monthy lunch date with a bunch of ladies- what do ya think?

The Lewicutt's est 2006 said...

As always, I love your honesty. Living further away from family is hard. People don't make it up as often as you'd like... I've done that, and am thinking about moving away again... it's so hard to not be around family.... even with your husband making you happy and fulfilling your marital needs.

Let me know if you find something that helps fill that void! I have a feeling I'll be looking for answers to that question in a few months... :-/

Holley said...

Hi Chloe,
I'm a new follower, of about 10 seconds or so. :)
I was amazed to see that you said you felt like there was nothing that you were "really good at" because literally 15 minutes ago i texted my mother "I would still like to figure out what I'm really good at".
I've struggled with depression most of my life. Pretty sure it's inherited from my dad's side because they are all depressed. I dont want to be like that though. I dont want to be like them, with their depression, and their anger- of course the two go hand in hand.
I know my life is really good right now. I have an amazing and patient husband, a great family (on my mom's side) and we've got a roof over our heads and food on the table.
Why cant that be good enough? I dont know.
Sorry I cant shower you with positive words, but i just want you to know you arent alone.
<3
holley

David and Shalynna said...

Chloe, you are so sweet. I know you don't want compliments or sympathy, but I just have to tell you that even though I've only met you once I think you are one of the kindest people I know! Maybe I'm just going off of all your nice blog comments, but you seem so genuine and loving. I really can't imagine you negative and I doubt you are a bad friend/family member! :)

We all feel this way sometimes. I realized in like 9th grade that I don't have ONE good talent. I remember walking back form the bus stop and thinking that everyone is really good at SOMETHING, but I was only kind of good a few things. Sure, I play the piano, but no better than the rest of the Mormon girls out there. I cook, but I get really lazy and don't do it as often as I should, I like to sew but there a million people better at it than me and I've only made a couple things and that hardly puts me in the category of a good sewer, I don't have a house to decorate (this really gets me depressed sometimes), I'm not a dental hygienist (I've always wanted to be one), and the list goes on. I finally realized that I do have ONE talent that I'm proud to say is mine and that is loving people. I've realized that I am really good at that! From what I know about you- that is one of your talents too. So, when you feel like you aren't good at anything just remember that you are good at loving people.

Sorry this comment is a novel. :) I won't click "Publish Comment" three times like last time. I got confused when it didn't show up- thought my internet was down!

{Jesica Huffaker} said...

I love the fact that you are SO honest on your blog... I'm one of those people who only blogs about how great their life is. My "real" blog is private cuz I'm not brave enough to share it with the world. So, thank you for being one of the few who are honest!! I honestly thought I was reading my own thoughts reading this post. I totally know how you feel and I hope you know I'm not just saying that. I haven't had to deal with the anxiety part but the depression? Totally. I've been down that road playing with meds and it sucks. Hang in there girl... you keep me going on my hard days!! You da bomb!

The Fraziers said...

I wonder how many more blogger/people out there have similar struggles as you and no one ever knows about it, like it's a taboo or something so they just try to push it away so no one finds out? I've never gone through things to the extent that you have, but I have had days where I do get upset with myself for not being more happy because of all I'm blessed with. It sure feels crappy. And it's like you said, you just get more upset with yourself for not doing something about it. It's nice to read a blog that expresses truth. Hope you start feeling on the up-and-up! Don't worry, I still think your blog is funny (:

Vanisha Mishra-Vakaoti said...

Hey Chloe, it's been a few days since your post, I hope you're in better spirits :)

Caroline said...

Sending you so much love Chloe!!! If you ever need anything, I am an email away and a phone call. Bisous!

Marcy XOXO said...

You sound like a wonderful and beautiful person to me! Hang in there sweetie! We all go through these times... The best thing to remember is YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I'm sending you good thoughts. I've been there before, trying to put on the happy front but in the end not feeling happy. Hang in there girl!

Tara Long said...

I struggle with anxiety and depression too. And like you it seemed to go away when I met my husband and for the first couple years of our marriage. I had been on drugs before then. I have extreme social phobia/retardation...ok I made that up...but if I am not typing like this, I am pretty awkward. I freak out if I have to make certain phone calls (anxiety attack) or go to certain social things or do certain things during social get togethers...like talk to people.
Sometimes the ONLY thing that helps me pull through the depression times is knowing somewhere deep inside of me I know my savior lives and his gospel is true. And a lot of times it is hard for me to even find that spot inside myself. I feel like I could've written a lot of this post as my own.
You are an amazing person, and I think you'd be a great friend...if I knew how to make and have friends in the real world, I would be your friend...ha ha.

missy. said...

girl...

first off this will be a long comment so bare with me.

second - i am in the same boat you are, minus a few things. i have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. when i was in high school it wasn't as bad because i was constantly working or out with my friends. i've noticed that with more responsibility, or boredom, comes bigger hits of anxiety/depression. after my recent breakup i was going through so much anxiety i had to go instacare to get help.

i love that you are being open about this and trying to work it out. that is the best possible start. if you ever need to get out and go do something i'm here. as a fellow utahn i can understand how boring it can be here but we could always go for a diet dr pepper :)

you're definitely not alone on this and at least you have sean to help you through it. good luck girl.

xox missy.

whimsy said...

chloe,
i go through this so much. and it is not exactly the same, because some of it does have to do with some other things, but we can discuss that maybe more personally; but i really do understand so perfectlly and i know it is so hard. and feels so empty, lame and just plain blahh. i really would love to get together and talk whenever you want. maybe grab lunch? call or email me. or blog or course:)
barney.britt@gmail.com
530.220.3604
i love you and i know you know this, but it will pass. but i can tell you some things that have helped me, and maybe vise versa?! lets talk soon love.
britt